tocsins
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Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
It seems I've been on the path to destruction since I was born. From years 17-26 I made the worse decisions of my life.
I did drugs and lived for the moment.
I over indulged in sexuality.
I raped my body and mind.
Now I live in constant pain with no future.
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I am ascending as I complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of Kundalini.
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7/1/2008, 8:29 am
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tocsins
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
It wasn't all bad, I would go up and down and up and down, unfortunately it was always more down than up, so over a period of time, I was eventually deep underground, now it's totally black and pain has crept in, there is hardly any movement, no more up and down, just stagnating, and pain, with seemingly no way out
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I am ascending as I complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of Kundalini.
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7/2/2008, 3:59 pm
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tocsins
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
skaggles of pain run amuk when the wind died south pain, rain hell burn fire scortch pain, lots of pain, skin and bones pain, medication pain, face pain, ace pain, hahahahaha, lost pain, more pain, grow pain, stain pain
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I am ascending as I complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of Kundalini.
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7/3/2008, 7:56 pm
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tocsins
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
What are you opinions on Suicide, do you think it's a valid choice? Will it end my pain? I don't mind doing life over again, maybe I will make better choices in my next life. Should I stay alive and suffer? Seems like there's nothing left I can do with my life. 'd rather just end it I think.
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I am ascending as I complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of Kundalini.
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7/3/2008, 9:30 pm
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Leafos
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
Hi toxcins
Wow ! /oh dear - i have always had a death wish since i was little i would always try to kill myself when i was raging, you know, when you were denied what you wanted. - i would hold my breath, try & strangle myself & try & bash my head off, but it never worked !
Had depression (& my daughter ) where i always wished i was dead, not dying, but already dead.
As a 7 yr old i was devasted to realise i would have to die & would say over & over, i wish i hadn't been born - cause now i have to die.
I have been recently dealing with this fear of death, with panic attacks (daughter also sometimes has panic attacks) & fear & terror & horror stuff, - see i know where i am is sometimes absolutely unbearably horrific, but my thoughts are now, what if being dead is worse than this ?! ( my belief ! it can always get worse !) - i only remember this life ! - i don't have memeories of being dead at all, if fact i'm afraid of death cause i don't think i can do it, make it. I feel like maybe i know the feeling of needing to be put out of my "misery", but feel maybe i don't know how to die or how i will cope with it - sorry, but right now, death & dying IS my worst nightmare & my heart goes out to people in this position, at this time. - I have always been a self harmer in many ways i can see that, (daughter also - slashing wrists, but non lethally )but on the other side i have such terror of death & dying, which is pretty difficult when i know i am dying more every second, death is coming for me (F***! - run)& could take me at any second - this moment now & that hundreds of souls are passing into death every second now ! - how do you know all this guys & stay sane - i'm trying, but really it is just too much !
I am too scared to kill myself ! - The P's say (barbara M. ) that it can be a quick suicide or a slow one & there is no judgement on suicide. The people who do a quick one i hope are not punished or disappointed or end up in hell for doing so. I hope those that commit suicide quickly are ok & maybe even happier & certainly then get the help they need, that they could not get here. It's very sad to here of people who's life is so bad they would rather be dead - my daughter is, i feel on the way up now, but it's "heart breaking" to see her so "lost"& in a living "human hell" which i was still stuck in too & so could do nothing to help her in anyway.
Maybe IF you know u r a immortal personality (Robert Shapiro ) suicide is no big deal & a quick exit - see ya - have to go ! or easy - but if it's done because of a feeling of no choice / desparation it must be terrible for all corcerned / involved with it. If you are truly suicidal, see if there is some human help first, i thought human's couldn't help me, but i'm learning differently every day.
Hope u r feeling better soon x
p.s. RUOW series says body should be considered too & actually has it's "own say" too - hope it helps ! - with luv x
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7/15/2008, 3:58 am
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tocsins
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
It's just so hard to drudge on, I never could keep a job, the longest I ever kept a job is 3 months, and it's even worse now! I work for my dad, pressure washing restaurants, but I can only do it like at most once a week, sometimes I do a little more than that, but on average it's about once a week, if I had to do it every day I would collapse, how am I going to survive in the future!?
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I am ascending as I complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of Kundalini.
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7/16/2008, 9:27 pm
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Leafos
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
It is sometimes very difficult to drudge on, i agree, i have often felt like the hamster going round & round in his wheel, only to stop, to find i have not moved or been going anywhere or doing anything of any use at all.
But despite that experience, & that part of my life - things have improved slightly & are improving slightly all the time - there is hope ! - there can be improvement ! i know it doesn't feel or seem like it sometimes or even ever. i too believed / felt there just was no hope for myself & anyone / everyone. But some of these human beings are so strong / beautiful & amazing that i have to stop in awe & watch them ! - how do they cope with this life, how do they carry on in a "normal" human way - it makes no sense to me ! - but i'm learning tocsins.
You seem to know what you are talking about, you seem to know your own mind, you seem to understand yourself - things i am only just starting to learn.
- "i am ascending as i complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of the kundalini" - tocsins what does this mean ? & how does this work ? Obviously if you are doing this you must be a very important piece of this plan's puzzle in this time, here now ! - you are valuable & you are needed ! - but i guess it's your choice ! - hope you decide to drudge on a bit longer ! we can drudge along together ! - i could do with a "drudge along " friend too, sometimes it helps. - it helps sometimes to have company too x - take care with luv & hope  
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7/17/2008, 4:50 am
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tocsins
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
well my quote "I am ascending as I complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of Kundalini." comes from my experiences I have had. I feel the only way to truly ascend it to complete physical actions. Meditation is only halve of it. I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully satisfy my Kundalini, but I take refuge in the fact that I believe it is possible, even if not in my lifetime. That somewhere, somehow, I technically could be free even tho I'm not. Lately I have been feeling a little better about life, like the possibility that there might be hope, something that wasn't there before. I was entirely convinced it was over for me, but now I'm not so sure. It's still hard to get anything done, I am still very lacking in the energy and motivation department. But I don't want to be a total let down by killing myself. Even if life seems like just a horrible daunting task that isn't worth it in the end. I don't know, we'll see. There are some people who have it worse than I do. But in the end it isn't about what other people can tolerate, it's about what I can cope with. But right now I think it's very unlikely that I will commit suicide. It's just a totalitarian idea that I like to entertain sometimes, just because I long for a release from this drudgery.
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I am ascending as I complete physical actions that trigger the subconscious needs of Kundalini.
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7/18/2008, 2:22 am
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Leafos
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Re: Corrupted Choices, Ruined Life, May Suicide Soon
ok tocisins - thankyou for your explaination, i too have lower phases where i have no desire TODO anything at all (that is in a physicl 3D way of life - i am constantly working on myself in a spiritual / self progress way - this is & has been my "life" for about 6 yrs now, - the only thing that means anything to me, even my kids have had to come second to this mission, i lost my connection with them many years ago, as they both started to grow up - hardly any wonder that my daughter, now 17 yrs has also been stuck in depression too, with a disfunctional mother who just CANNOT be there for her, cannot get through to her, cannot help her, as i could not even help myself !- but i'm improving & am starting to be able to be a better mum to her & of more help. - so life at last seems to be getting slowly better. She also has a wonderful boyfriend, who is totally there for her - he's amazing ! & she adores him !)& do as little as possible. On the other hand, when i'm HIGH / in a manic phase - i WANT todo everything & get overwhelmed, confused, get into confrontation /conflicts with my family / have more accidents/ breaking things / things malfunctioning all the time - it's like everything acts against me / trying to stop /prevent my attempt at DOING what i want & NEED to do in that moment - it's a real struggle, but sort of in an opposite way, if you see what i mean.
Anyway this manic phase that started in April / easter sunday this year, has not properly gone away - i seem to be permenantly MANIC all of the time ?! - but it is less intense this time & i can mostly hold onto NORMAL /old way of reality too, which i most definately need to be able to do to stay safe & also to ensure the safety of others, which is alot more important to me , than my own safety. So i am hopeful, all the positive effects of being high will remain, whilst, all my over reactions & delusions continue to lessen , drop away & clear. I am however working with a spiritual guy & his spiritual system to clear these issues / bi - polar or otherwise - i could not have got this far without him - he is a sweetheart & my hero ! x - tis good to chat to you tocsins, thankyou for communicating with me. x
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7/19/2008, 4:43 am
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