libertybell23
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Favorite clean jokes
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
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7/1/2007, 5:47 pm
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libertybell23
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Re: Favorite clean jokes
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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7/1/2007, 5:48 pm
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libertybell23
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Re: Favorite clean jokes
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Last edited by libertybell23, 7/1/2007, 5:49 pm
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7/1/2007, 5:48 pm
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libertybell23
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Re: Favorite clean jokes
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"
Love, Bubba
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, "Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances."
Love, Bubba
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7/1/2007, 5:50 pm
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libertybell23
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Re: Favorite clean jokes
A bus carrying 20 ugly Indians on their way to the casino crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
They get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up and God asks the first Indian what is their wish. "I want to be gorgeous" and so God snaps His fingers and it is done.
The second Indian in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too". Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
One after another, each Indian asks to be made gorgeous. When God is halfway down the line, the last Indian guy in line starts laughing. As God gets closer to the last guys in line, this guy is rolling on the floor holding his stomach & laughing uncontrollably.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The last Indian calms down and says........."Make 'em all ugly again!"
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7/1/2007, 5:52 pm
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libertybell23
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Re: Favorite clean jokes
Bell Ringer
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man: "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there`s a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man`s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop`s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don`t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop
"....but he`s a dead ringer for his brother"
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7/1/2007, 5:53 pm
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