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DragonRyder
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Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: Bookworm7)
I do not know if this will work out. Me and my friend, her name's Anisa (Yes, that's spelled right. Uh-nee-suh) are working on it, and I thought ya'll might like it. It's all raw, so help.
Jami Laconez sighed as she laid back in the pool. Her shoulder length wavy black hair played around her face as she floated on her back. Then, SPLASH! Jami screeched in terror, as her cousin jumped in the pool. And all of the sudden, the cell phone rang and Moigan answered it.
"Hello?"
Static.
"But-but-"
"No buts missy!"
Jami snatched the phone from her cousin.
"Hello?"
"Jami?"
"Dion, wassup man?"
"Jami, I know you and Moigan are on vacation, but this is a big problem."
"How big?"
"Really, really, BIG!!"
"Dion, Dion calm down man. What are we a s'posed to do?"
"The cheif wants you two at HQ, ASAP."
"On our way, we're as good as there. Bye."
"Bye."
Last edited by DragonRyder, 10/19/2005, 2:44 pm
---
"You're a soldier now,
Fighting in, a battle,
To be free, once more,
Now that's worth fighting for!"
Bryan Adams, soundtrack of Spirit.
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7/18/2005, 12:12 am
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froggiegurl
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
It's really descriptive, and has a good plot. You may want to add more descriptive in the dialogue, though. It will bring the dialogue to life. I like the interesting names. I've never heard of a "Moigan" before. It's great!
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Have a nice day!
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7/27/2005, 11:39 pm
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DragonRyder
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Thank you! We actually got Moigan because Anisa has horrible handwriting and she tried to spell Megan. You get the idea. Talk about learning from your mistakes! I don't have too much more done, but here it is:
Jami pressed the 'End' button and Moigan said,
"Eh...I take it our vacation is being cut short."
"Yes, Igan, it is."
"Don't call me Igan!"
"Why?"
"Because it sounds like Ethan."
"Ok, Igan."
"Ugh!"
Moigan had this thing about the name Ethan, no one knew why, that was just how it went.
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"You're a soldier now,
Fighting in, a battle,
To be free, once more,
Now that's worth fighting for!"
Bryan Adams, soundtrack of Spirit.
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8/6/2005, 2:29 pm
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Bookworm7
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Sounds good. but I agree with froggiegurl you need a bit more discription. I found a mistake though quote:
And all the sudden,
It should be: And all of the sudden,
Keep up the good work!
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9/21/2005, 10:10 am
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DragonRyder
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Fixed it. I'm trying to work on this story, but it's kinda hard. Anisa abandoned the project, and mystery just really isn't my thing. Anybody want to take it over? I bail.
---
"You're a soldier now,
Fighting in, a battle,
To be free, once more,
Now that's worth fighting for!"
Bryan Adams, soundtrack of Spirit.
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9/22/2005, 4:35 pm
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Bookworm7
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Hey I'll try! Just give me the basic polt. And I'll try my best! You can PM the info it you don't want to post it.
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9/23/2005, 9:46 am
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DragonRyder
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Okay, I will. But you won't be able to answer it because I only allow Clefy.
---
"You're a soldier now,
Fighting in, a battle,
To be free, once more,
Now that's worth fighting for!"
Bryan Adams, soundtrack of Spirit.
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9/23/2005, 3:43 pm
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Bookworm7
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Is Jami a boy or girl?
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9/27/2005, 10:01 am
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DragonRyder
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Boy. I just changed it. Jami was going to be a girl, but I think a boy would be better. Whatever you want.
---
"You're a soldier now,
Fighting in, a battle,
To be free, once more,
Now that's worth fighting for!"
Bryan Adams, soundtrack of Spirit.
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9/30/2005, 3:58 pm
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Bookworm7
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Re: Mystery in the Las Vegas Suburbs (By: D. Berry & A. Carter)
Ok, I think I might keep her a girl. It makes sense to me. I might not have more to the story for awhile. I have school work and another story.
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10/4/2005, 10:00 am
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