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GuessMyName
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Location: Winnipeg, Canada
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Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
My brother's graduated from highschool now so it doesn't belong in that forum...plus I'm not a parent so ya I thought the "Everyone Else" forum would do...
I've just been confused about the way he's been acting lately...Well it's a long story...
My little brother's gay. He came out of the closet almost 2 years ago. Since he came out, my parents have been nothing but supportive. My whole family is completely supportive of him and his boyfriend (who he's been with since he came out) has been welcomed into our family just as my fiance was.
Well I guess during the federal elections last year when the conservatives were looking like they were winning (and they did)...my brother and his boyfriend were concerned that Harper might put a ban on gay marriage. Nobody in my family knew about this concern, I only found this out through my fiance's younger brother who went to highschool with my brother. So anyways my brother and his boyfriend got married...it's a secret from my family and only I know (again because of my fiance's brother). My brother and his "husband" still both live at home, but I guess when they got married the minister told them that they should spend as much time together as possible.
Ever since he got married he has barely spent any time at home...he is always either at work, out, or at his husband's family's house...now my parents aren't strict by any measure, all they want is to know where he is, and to have some time with him every once in awhile...
But I don't know what it is about him...my parents never know where he is...he rarely calls to let them know where he is or when he'll be home, and he misses family dinners and everything. I can tell that my mom and dad are really hurting from being basically ignored by him. I feel really bad for them...well even I miss my brother...We used to have lots of fun together but now I only see him once every couple of weeks...
Well today's my dad's birthday, and while we're playing a board game as a family he calls and I answered the phone...here's our convo...
Him: Can you tell mom I'm sleeping at Scott's tonight?
Me: Do you want to tell her?
Him: Huh? (pretends he didn't hear me)
Me: (tell my mom) Brian's sleeping at Scott's today (mom rolls her eyes)
Mom: Tell him it's Dad's birthday
Me: It's dad's birthday
Him: Did you tell mom I'm sleeping at Scott's?
Me: Ya...
Then he hung up...
WTF is with that? He didn't even wish my dad happy birthday??? I'm so pissed at him...It broke my heart to see my parents so sad that he didn't even care enough to spend some time having cake or something with us on my dad's birthday.
GRRRRRRRRR.....well I really needed to vent...thanks for reading...any advice would be welcome.
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Apr/22/2007, 2:30 am
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FeedYourHead
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
guessy -
I'm so sorry
I don't have any advice really - except maybe to talk to your bro and ask him what's going on and tell him how much everyone misses him, and are hurt by his 'disappearance' :( - and to remind him that his husband is welcome to come to your house too - if he is, which it sounds like he probably is ...
*hugs*
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Apr/22/2007, 2:45 am
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Vegas Guy
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
From what I read your family is supportive and accepting of your brother and his SO. My question is then why did they need to be married in secret and your family not be told? Something isn't adding up.
As to his actions of late it sounds like he's testing his boundaries & new, open lifestyle, not something to be shared with family. It's one thing to be a gay man and another to live as a gay man with a gay man. I would simply give it time myself. Let him get it out of his system. Also, odds are that this relationship will not last if he has recently come out. Once out of the closet most gay men experience a string of lovers while finding themselves and what being gay is all about. Rarely does the 1st one last long but if it does great!
Try to remember that he has 2 new families, one with his SO's family and his new personal family and that both of those are being tested also. If your family is supportive and patient now he will return to it a more mature person with a better understanding of who he is and where he is going. I think all you can do is let him know he is loved & missed and that his family will be there if he needs their support.
When I came out I rarely saw or communicated with my folks for a couple of years. Less for my siblings. My priorities had changed but eventually I remembered where I came from. He will too!
If you need to do something meet him on his terms, in his world. Let him know it's great that he's found happiness and that you accept him and his SO as is, with no judgements.
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Apr/22/2007, 8:38 am
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1lost1
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
That sure is a situation Maddie, I can only imagine how your family is hurting. It seems as if he almost came out of the closet to vanish and that has to be hard, especially because your family was open and accepting to it. Had they not been you could understand him being like this. But the were loving an supportive about it. It has to have left everyone with a million questions and a broken heart.
You and him are close, I would try and have a heart to heart with him. Like Vegas said meet him on his ground, his terms so he has visible proof you are supporting. For all you know you guys might be looking at the situation one way, he might not see it the same. I would just try and explain he is crushing the family and no one understands why and they are hurt, just because they don't understand. Make it clear it's got nothing to do with his lifestlye choice, try to avoid making him feel guilty.
I am sure this is new ground for him too. Vegas really summed it up perfectly. He seems to be coming to terms with everything and his comfort zone seems to be away from the family, that doesn't necessarily mean his feelings have changed- I think it just means he is finding himself and only knows one way to go about it. I do also wonder why there was a secret wedding, I think there is more to that story than you have found out. But pressing for all answers at once I think will backfire so carefully pick your battles (not that you want this to be a battle, that was just the expression that came to mind).
Do you think too that this could have something to do with his partner... Maybe his partner has established unspoken grounds rules of their relationship and part of that it his family is the priority and homebase of their relationship.
I would just try and have a heart to heart letting him know you do love and support him ( a person can never be told that too much) & give him subtle reminders everyone misses him tremendously- try not to make him feel guilty because that I think would backfire as well. I think he is just having a time of it & finding himself and he can only focus on that right now and isn't aware of the other stuff around him.
I have a friend I met in the canasta league, you and her have both told me the same story at different times, so I am thinking this must be almost common. Her brother got with an abusive spouse who was very controlling and demanded that he pull back from his family. I hope that isn't the case for your brother. Keep your eyes and lines of communication open & hopefully with time things will go back to the family normal. Vegas remember where he came from, you have a loving family, your borther will too Maddie. Hang in there & we'll help you as best we can.
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Apr/22/2007, 11:47 am
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bnlred
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
Guessy, I'm so sorry this has been so hard on the family. It sounds like you are all very supportive. From all the posts I read, I agree with what Vegas, FYH, and 1lost1 have to say, especially about respecting his time he may need and also reaching out to him. I also wondered when I read this about a potential controlling s.o. due to the sudden change in his behaviors. Hope this all helps :)
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Apr/22/2007, 1:48 pm
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GuessMyName
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
Thanks so much for your responses everyone! It's given me a lot to think about.
I just have to say that his SO is anything but abusive and controlling. When I look at them I see a very similar type of relationship that I have with my fiance, in the way they interact and everything so I know they're both happy and I think they'll last (I'll add here that he was out to his friends at least a year before he came out to us). And I don't think that they're using his SO's family as a home base because his family actually aren't accepting of their relationship. Maybe they're spending time over there as a way of p-ing off his SO's family for not being accepting? Who knows...
I haven't talked to my brother about the secret marriage yet because I'm not supposed to know...but he has talked to my fiance about it...he approached him once and told him all about the reasons he did it...they wanted to get married because they were worried the gay marriage rights would be taken away, and they're gonna have a bigger "real" wedding later in life, when they actually would get married and tell my parents about it. In this same convo with my fiance he told him he had been experimenting with drugs which worried me, but that's a whole other story...
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Apr/22/2007, 2:37 pm
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1lost1
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
Him experimenting with drugs does add something to this and does offer a possible reason why he has pulled back from the family. It could me more an issue of him trying drugs and less an issue if him being gay.
Additonally he is going through the years where it all happens in life. Those late teens / early to mid 20's those years are difficult for a lot of foks. Add to the him being gay and him dabbling in drugs and he is having a rougher go of it than others. He is living each moment of his day waiting to be judged and if he is tinkering with drugs that could be adding to his paranoia.
He is obviosuly comfortable with your fiance. Is it possible he could speak with him as well?
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Apr/22/2007, 2:48 pm
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1lost1
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
Guessy anything new in with the brother situation? Just curious if you feel like sharing
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Apr/27/2007, 4:07 pm
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GuessMyName
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Location: Winnipeg, Canada
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Re: Confused about my brother... (not sure if this is the right forum)
i dunno it's pretty much same old same old...i never see him...
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Apr/27/2007, 8:48 pm
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