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1lost1
Minion of Mayhem
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Pops is back in town
hello xanax, wonderful timing.
going to get a bit crazy around here, but I knew he has been gone since september and it's about the point in the cycle where he feels he needs to come back.
So many mixed feelings. I just wish he could get a holdof his life and that it would allow him to be the very best he could be with our children- when he isn't fighting the beer can wow he is such a wonderful guy. He just can't control the demon.
Can already see Zak hoping I will give him another chance- that we all know will end up with me having to have him leave because he drinks too much. I did explain to Zak we can't have Olivia growing up with an aolcholic who does try to chance- her days need filled with happiness. He seemed to understand, but know he is desperate to have his Dad live here so he really didn't. He still has hope his Dad can get it together, I know though after 20 years it is pretty hopeless.
So we'll get through it we always do just gotta hope once again it happens in a manner that upsets the kids the least. Very sad to look at Olivia who is a year and a half old and know she hasn't seen her Dad in 8 months.
Random thoughts- that I needed to share. We'll get through it I am sure, we always do.
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Mayhem of Motherhood
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May/12/2007, 11:54 am
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suzidfloosey
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Re: Pops is back in town
Only just saw this Lost - how is it going for you guys? how is zak coping?
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Oscar Wilde
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May/17/2007, 3:40 pm
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1lost1
Minion of Mayhem
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Re: Pops is back in town
As luck would have it Mother's Day out at my Grandparent's House was where I was going to let him see the kids. Afraid if he came to our home he would have his bags. I explained Granddad very poor health with a shattered face...welcome to come and enjoy the day with the kids, but I can't have you sloshed under these conditions. Also explained since it had been 8 months since he saw the kids I didn't feel the drinking was appropriate. He called about 2:00 mothers day afternoon ... sloshed, in a complete coma- we didn't have many words. That's been the last of the contact on my part. I would imagine he has called the kids- I try not to snoop.
I know he drank to calm his nerves, how heartbreaking to have a baby and her not know you. Additionally hard to explain to our older ones about falling off the wagon again. Also I am sure its uncomfortable to be around my family- although they always make him feel very welcome (out of respect for the kids)... I figured he would drin hoped he did so in a manner that was discreet and he didn't so I really couldn't find myself feeling too bad for him.
Hope until he sobers up he blows out of town just as suddenly as he blew in... would imagine I will hear from him the weekend- dread the phone ringing...
We always get through it... I just don't want it to be a setback for Zak, heartbreak for Alex and now confusion for Olivia. Regardless though we will get through it we always do :)
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May/17/2007, 7:30 pm
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suzidfloosey
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Re: Pops is back in town
very tough for you all - HUGS ((())) :trihrt
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Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
Oscar Wilde
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May/20/2007, 3:37 pm
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1lost1
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Re: Pops is back in town
thanks suzi.
He is actually staying about a 20-30 minutes drive from our home. He has not been to the house yet and we are into the second week of him being close. He called me and blamed me for keeping him away. He also called our oldest and tore me to schreds verbally to him...
He was told he was most welcome to see the kids. Arrange a time and be sober and have a visit. He had a difficult time with both. Oddly enought he had no problem arranging a ride to the local beer distributor and getting totally shallacked.
I can't feel bad for him and I can't cave allowing him to visit with out daughter who he hasn't seen in 8 months, drunk. I just feel she is entitled to more.
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May/21/2007, 2:42 pm
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suzidfloosey
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Re: Pops is back in town
You are so strong - and completely in the right here as you well know. Keep doing what you're doing - you're protecting your family and your boys know the truth and the person you really are, a strong loving caring mom with their interests at heart. Alcohol is such a damaging substance...I love a drink now and again but to excess it hurts too many people..... :trihrt
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Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
Oscar Wilde
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May/21/2007, 4:21 pm
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1lost1
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Re: Pops is back in town
It's been rough. So glad this last go round I found a therapist for my oldest, who has the roughest time with this. Inside of him he knows... but the emotional Dad needs a Father thing inside of him sometimes prevents him from seeing this situation as he should.
I feel sure the inevitable is coming, eventually he will make his way here. His friends are going to get sick of supporting him, supporting his habit and his welcome will wear out. I have explained to the boys sober he can visit, but we can't have him moving back in until he jumps back on the wagon. There have been times when I have actually had to remind them about what it was like to be little and missing him and waiting for him... unfortunately they do remember and they know they don't want that pain for Olivia.
Its a delicate line to walk. The guy is an asshole, no other way to phrase it. He's so selfish, he is also an alcoholic and that's a problems he denies most of the time. His problems are always because of someone else, he is faultless. I hid this from the boys when they needed sheltered from it for their emotional well being. Once they became of age (is there ever really an age for something like this???) I just had to slowly see the full picture and bite my tongue. They needed to come to their own conclusion with what was going on. So the common sense side of them knows, the emotional side/ their hearts have a hard time admitting it.
We keep trucking and we always do manage to get through it. Sometimes though I could just kick myself in the backside for a million things. But if I had to go back and do it all again, I would- because if things hadn't worked out exactly as it had- we wouldn't be the family we are today. So you have to take the good with the bad and learn from it.
Honestly I hope the guy gets his chit together. He has a brilliant head on his shoulders that he drowns 12 ounces at a time all day long. He is so capable, so wonderful and he is missing so much. The boys know we can't remain stagnant anymore waiting for him to change. We have to live our lives and try to do well and learn from the road we have walked. It's so important to me they don't repeat the cycle. Maybe one day their Dad will become healthy and join us, and maybe he won't but that's on him and has nothing to do with his love for them... He loves them in his own way, he's just a sick man right now who doesn't want to get well.
I love to drink as well. But I don't it in front of the children out of respect for what is has cost them. At dinner or out on the front porch I will have one. If I am driving at dinner I get Virgin Bloody Mary. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrit... But I do enjoy it, I don't do it near as often as I would like. And I do explain, as with everything in life there has to be balance. Life... it sure does get crazy sometimes... :omg:
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May/21/2007, 8:06 pm
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bnlred
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Re: Pops is back in town
Hey 1lost1, I just read this (got a little behind on the posts etc what with the Lost finale). So sorry you have to deal with all this. Just out of curiosity, and please don't answer if its too personal a question but, are you married to this man? The reason I ask is if you have considered a permanent solution to the problem? I assume from everything you have sole custody of the kids and just wondered where he fits in legally. Anyway, not meaning to pry- truly. I am so sorry for the continued abuse, and thats the word for it, this man keeps putting you and the kids through. I hope things are going better- hugs hugs hugs!
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May/31/2007, 9:22 am
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1lost1
Minion of Mayhem
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Re: Pops is back in town
He blew into town and blew back out according to my oldest. He came back into town Mother's Day weekend and was drunk at times I couldn't even understand him on the phone and because of that I insisted he wasn't having a reunion with the kids until he sobered up a bit. Needless to say it ticked him off and that was pretty much the end of it other than a few nasty calls from him. I am certain he called the boys and blamed me for not allowing them to all spend time together. I have learned to roll right with his blame game though...
We never married...we were young when we got together, Zak, Alex and Hayleigh came into the world at a time when we were still growing ourselves. Obviously I wanted the picture perfect family, but watched Mom and Dad divorce and knew when I married I wanted it to be for life. He had some growing up to do before I could picture it in my head, I am sure I did too. After the first 3 children were born with us losing the little girl he just completely fell apart and really started hitting the booze. Things really got crazy from that point forward. I honestly have a book in me~ there are just some things I don't think people would believe are possible. But we got through it...
I do have physical and sole custody of the children... but when he drinks he doesn't pay much attention to standing orders of the court so I have to be concerned as he did kidnap Alex when he was 5 months old and it took a helicopter to get him back safely to me. So when he falls off the wagon hard he gets nutz and I become scared.
He implied a month or so ago he was coming for Zak and the baby- so things got very hairy there. I am fortunate as I have family members who are retired FBI and my Uncle is an assistant attorney general for our state- so when things get nuts I put the family on alert and they are ready to respond. It's an odd way to live, but it's our normal.
Was so relieved when Zak told me he had left town again. It's heartbreaking itH has to be like this. He is a wonderful capable me when he is sober, when he drinks though it is very very scary and I have to protect the kids from it.
Some may ask why keep bringing children into this mess... When we were young it wasn't like this and then when Olivia was on her way we had been reunited and things were going great. Once he saw Olivia though I think it brought back what we lost when we lost Hayleigh and it was just too much for him. That and the beer can has always had a certain hold on him, sometimes it just grabs on tighter than others...
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May/31/2007, 11:28 am
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kismet815
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Registered: 02-2007
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Re: Pops is back in town
I think you are doing the right thing by giving him chances to see the kids. As long as the kids see this and you are honest with them, they will make their own decision about him when they are old enough.
One thing I would like to share with you though. I hope you don't think this is out of line, just want to share a personal experience.
You said that you like to drink but you don't do it in front of the kids. That may not necessarily be the best route to take. If the kids' dad is an alcholic, they may end up w/problems. I grew up in a home where both of my parents were functioning alcoholics. My dad went to work everyday and paid the bills. My mom kept the house up and running and all of our needs were met. But they both drank heavily. Alcohol was never taboo in my house and we as children would drink beer every once in a while. When I became a teenager, I drank with friends sometimes and even had gotten sloshed but it was not as big a deal with me as it was to my friends. I was designated driver more times than I could remember. (I would never drink at clubs or parties.)
Now, my dh and friends have happy friday c0cktails at my house. We have parties and cookouts where there is plenty of alcohol. My kids don't think one thing about it. It is not a big deal with them. We have a full fledge bar in our house (we keep it locked, can not trust all kids) I sit beside it all of the time watching tv and sometimes, the only time I may have a drink is during happy friday.
I guess the point I was trying to make is that if you hide things from the kids, they will think it is wrong. It isn't if you are old enough and responsible with it as it seems you are. Be honest with you kids about alcohol. They need to see the difference between how their dad handles it and how a responsible adult handles it. It is nearly impossible to keep alcohol away from them b/c they do not live in a glass bubble. Eventually, they will learn from someone. Let it be you.
(I have a pic of my bar on my myspace)
http://myspace.com/xbstfrnd
Last patched up by kismet815, Jun/3/2007, 7:27 am
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Jun/3/2007, 7:26 am
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