kismet815
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Registered: 02-2007
Posts: 30
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Unique issue for Godson
Yesterday my godson came to talk to me about something that happened to him this past week. I tried to give him some advise, but, I don't know if it was the right thing or not. I need someone else's opinion on this.
He is a rising senior and will be 18 next month. His bio dad has never wanted anything to do with him. (until the last time he got out of prison 2.5 years ago. The kid told him then that he had a dad and did not want anything to do with him ever)
His mother married a great guy who loves this kid just as much as his own bio kids. He has never treated the step son any different than them and even asked this kid who at the time was 6 years old for his mother's hand in marriage. They have always had a close relationship. Actually a much better relationship than he has with his mother.
Last week in our weekly paper, he found out that his bio dad (who had been in and out of prison his whole life) had been arrested for prostitution, drug possession and assaulting a police officer.
His cousins, (children of bio dad's sister who also had been in prison) mercilessly (sp?) picked on him for two days at school. When I talked to him he was so upset. I told him that we can not control what other people did. That he knew what the bio dad was all about and that is the reason that he chose not to have a relationship w/bio dad once he was old enough to make that decision. He said that yes he knew all of that but it still hurts and is just plain embarrassing. My advise to him was to tell the cousins what he told bio dad. That bio dad was not his father. Step dad was. And, if anyone should be embarrassed by what bio dad did, it should be them b/c they live in the same house with him.
I don't know if this was the right thing to say to him, but honestly, I didn't know what else to tell him. I will see him tomorrow after school so is there anything else I should tell him?
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Jun/3/2007, 6:49 am
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1lost1
Minion of Mayhem
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Registered: 10-2006
Posts: 2791
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Re: Unique issue for Godson
I understand the situation a whole lot more than I would like too. As my children's father has battled alcoholism and that has made for extended periods of time when he wasn't around and the boys hurt...
My kids have gone the whole range of emotions as it relates to their father. Guessing Olivia will also have issues.
I am guessing the cousins know your Godson's Father is your Godson's Achilles Heal- his vulnerable spot. Also going to guess that Godson has a life that is a bit foreign to his cousins~ he excels in school has a step dad who is absolutely crazy about him. He lives in a home that has love and nurtures, while the cousin's home has some obvious (issues) ~ I am not knocking their home but obviously they have a man in the house frequenting prostitutes, doing probably pretty serious drugs as he assaulted and Officer of the Law in an attempt to flee arrest.
At this point these kids come from 2 different worlds. Would think that the cousins said what they did to your Godson to "get to him". They see his life of happiness, their's is different so they mentioned the Bio Father as an attempt to remind Godson they are cut from the same cloth.
Personally at this point there probably isn't anything that can be done to change Godson's Bio Dad- he lives his life in the manner that he does and he for whatever reason's can't help it. I know in this house I do explain to the kids even when they are hurt missing their father- I always try to explain their Dad has always loved them, he just lives a different life, we can't change it, he can't changed it at this point- it is the way it is and how lucky they are that they have family in their life that loves them in a more conventional manner. I have made it as clear as I can that unfortunately kids can't pick their parents, it's a genetic lottery and sometimes you hit the jackpot and sometimes what doesn't appear to be a jackpot actually is because you take a ticket that you think is lessor value and buy additional tickets that award you the Jackpot. Your Godson has hit the Jackpot with his Step Dad and he just can't see it yet because he is too caught up in the pain of Bio Dad's actions.
Eventually he is going to figure this out~ everything has just happened at at time when he is figuring out the how to take steps from being a young man, crossing over to becoming the man he will be (the teen years can be so difficult).
I would just make sure he knows he is loved and cared for by many people and he is not responsible for his Bio Father's Actions. His Bio Father owns that, not him. And I would also let him know he hit the Jackpot, he just did it in an unconventional way of sorts. His Dad is a wonderful caring man & might not have a Bio Connection but has an emotional one and that is what counts. And while the words of his cousins have hurt him... stepping back and looking at the situation in full will allow him to see~ those kids are hurting and they deal with it by spreading the hurt to others~ they are like quicksand they hurt, they suck others in and try and trap them. Your Godson just has to realize~ the situation with Bio Dad is sad, but he is distanced from it, he can't be sucked into the quicksand if he just keeps moving forward with the love and guidance of his family~ genetics aren't required for family~ love is. He has hit the jackpot, he will just sometimes need a reminder when someone in the quicksand tries to suck him in.
Please let me know how this all works out. Hopefully there is something in my long response that will help. Honestly though your Godson has everything he needs inside of himself to get through this and see the situation for what it is~ there will just be times where he needs reminded to dig deep and look at the situation as a whole. He is a lucky young man, free from the stigma associated with his genetics~ he has to free himself though~ and he does so daily by being the young man he is, doing well in school, staying out of trouble, being a good friend, loving people, loving life. Remind him he is loved and he is free. Sometimes when things get crazy that gets forgotten.
Last patched up by 1lost1, Jun/3/2007, 10:05 am
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Jun/3/2007, 10:00 am
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