Nurvingiel's MSTs :: The MSTs :: "A Light Through The Dark" ~ Runboard

Nurvingiel's MSTs
The MSTs
"A Light Through The Dark"

RSS

Spanish Ninja
Tea Drinker

Registered: 12-2006
Posts: 4
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)

Reply | Quote

"A Light Through The Dark"

(dreamingfifi sent me the link. There's a lot of funny stuff here; you guys are amazing! Anyway, I've got this ungodly long thing I just finished. Hope you think it's funny.

--Ninja)

THEME SONG:

On the continent of Elibe
Somewhere in the fandomverse
There were some knights of Lycia
Whose luck couldn’t be much worse

(It’s gonna be one of those days…)

It started when a Warp Staff went berserk
And now they’re held hostage by some jerk

(That’s General Riev to you, peasants!)

They’ve got bravery and all that stuff
But against Riev’s unholy master plan
Is that gonna be enough?

He’s sending stupid fanfics
The worst that he can find (la la la)
The knights will have to read ‘em
And somehow preserve their minds

Now keep in mind they don’t control
Where the fics will start or stop
Because someone wrecked those special parts
With a badly-thought-out chop!

(Dammit, Allen!)
(What?)

Brave Knight Roll Call!

Asthor! (Where’s the loot?)
Allen! (I like swords!)
Wendy! (We shall prevail!)
Saaaaaauuuul! (I’m a knight now?)

If you’re wondering what they eat and breathe
And other science facts
You should think to yourself “hey, it’s MST,
I should really just relax!”

For…

Mystery Lycia Theatre 3000!

“A Light Through The Dark”

(The Fortress. Day. The place is, to all appearances, a perfectly normal fortress from the Fire Emblem fandom, or, for that matter, one that might fit into a lot of other fantasy canons. The big differences, of course, are the projection room in the center, and the fact that none of the doors or windows to the outside open. A knight with red armor and unruly red hair is training by hacking at an unfortunate practice dummy with his sword. A middle-aged thief with a short beard and a shabby cloak sits on a pile of boxes nearby, watching him.)

ALLEN: 58…(thwack!) 59… (thwack!)

ASTHOR: Go get ‘em, Allen.

ALLEN: Hey, Asthor. (lowers sword for a minute) Wanna spar?

ASTHOR: No, I’ll pass on getting killed today. You got a weird feeling, like a premonition of impending doom?

ALLEN: Nope. 60! (thwack)

ASTHOR: Hmm…

(A young girl in quite a lot of pink armor clanks through the doorway, carrying a spear; she’s followed by a blue-haired cleric with a white robe and narrow eyes.)

WENDY: No, don’t let me interrupt your study, Father Saul.

SAUL: Well, the contemplative life does get kind of boring.

ASTHOR: What were you contemplating, anyway?

SAUL: Don’t give me that look. I found a very interesting text on human nature.

ASTHOR: Let me guess…concerned mainly with women in a state of nature, right?

ALLEN: (snicker)

WENDY: Huh?

SAUL: He’s simply being an ass, Wendy. (discreetly shifts his robes to cover the magazine he was looking at earlier)

ASTHOR: I’ll ignore that. So, do either of you have a premonition? Of impending-

(A dimensional window opens, revealing a cluttered study and its owner, an elderly, thoroughly creepy-looking cleric with a long nose and red hair brushed back. There’s a smirk on his face that makes him look like the cat that just ate the canary.)

ASTHOR: -oh damn. I knew it. You found some stuff to mess with our heads, Riev?

RIEV: Indeed I did, thief. My superiors found the last experiment to be rather amusing.

WENDY: Amusing? (points spear)

RIEV: Put that down before you injure yourself. Today’s experiment will take you into the magical world of a fandom known as The Lord of the Rings.

SAUL: Er…Aren’t we going to need to know more about it, before we can be properly tortured by it? I mean, I’m sure you wouldn’t want us to go in without getting the full experience. Maybe tomorrow? Or next week?

RIEV: You have at least as much acquaintance with canon as the author of the fic did. (gets out the fic) To the projection room with you!

ALLEN: Dammit! Fanfic sign!

(Projection Room. Wendy takes off her armor so as to be able to fit in the seat, and puts it in a corner. Asthor gets out his booze and everyone grabs a chair. The doors lock.)

WENDY: Sir Asthor, are you sure you need that?

ASTHOR: Sure, why not? (waves flask) I’ll even share.

>A Light through the Dark

>Calathiel is a warrior

WENDY: -‘s pegasus, because it’s a good name for a pegasus but not much else?

>princess of an ancient race.

WENDY: Aww, blast.

ASTHOR: Oh, Mary, we meet again. (shakes head)

>When she and her company

SAUL: Oh, she’s in business? That’s new.

ALLEN: I bet you everything she sells is sparkly.

ASTHOR: No, she’s a warrior princess. The goods will probably all be black leather and capable of kicking men in the crotch.

SAUL: That’s a sale I think I’ll skip.

>are attacked by Orcs and they are saved by the elves of Mirkwood lead

ASTHOR: Wait. The Elves save the Orcs from Mary here? I could get behind that story.

WENDY: Mirkwood is made of lead? So, in fall, would you be walking along and get a pointy metal leaf in your eye?

SAUL: No, it’s made of leads. The trees have dog leashes, clues, and actors hanging from them.

>by Legolas. What will happen?

SAUL: The author…honestly thinks that’s a suspenseful question, doesn’t she?

ALLEN: Wow.

>Set before the War of the Ring, 10th walker series. LegolasOC

ASTHOR: In other words, (Sue voice) I get to make **** up!

WENDY: Sir Asthor!

ASTHOR: Fine, fine, sorry, Wendy.

>Hey everyone I am Kaylin 9!

EVERYBODY: (deadpan) Hi, Kaylin 9.

>I am planing

ALLEN: -a new wooden practice sword?

SAUL: -a coffee table?

> on deleting A New Beginning

WENDY: Would that make it A New Ending?
>and rewriting it

SAUL: No, apparently A New New Beginning.

>with the same character name but she will be from Middle Earth. I also may be posting on

ASTHOR: -another site Riev doesn’t know exists?

>that my friend and I writing on another site here. The story is about Dracula (from Van Helsing).

WENDY: I don’t know who that is, but I feel sorry for him.

12/5/2006, 20:40

Send Email to Spanish Ninja Send PM to Spanish Ninja

Spanish Ninja
Tea Drinker

Registered: 12-2006
Posts: 4
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)

Reply | Quote

Re: "A Light Through The Dark"

>Characters in A Light Through the Dark:

ASTHOR: Because I couldn’t just introduce ‘em normally as I worked through my story.

>Calathiel:

WENDY: Cal-ah-the-hell?

SAUL: Call-lathe-yell?

>Main Character, a princess, shares control of the army with ther

ALLEN: Ther? Hey, that’s kind of fun to say. Therrrrrr.

>brother Calamaethor.

WENDY: Cal-ah-may-thor?

ASTHOR: Call-a-my-thor?

ALLEN: Therrrrrr.

ASTHOR: Shut up, Allen.

>She is 2,399 years old.

ALLEN: That’s precise. Why not decimals, while you’re at it?

SAUL: You know what decimals are?

ALLEN: Sure. When I chopped a guy in half that one time, each half was .5 of the enemy. Give or take a thousandth.

>Caladwen:

SAUL: Call-odd-win?

WENDY: Salad-win?

>Main characters twin sister. She is really a typical princess

ALLEN: What’s that mean?

WENDY: Likes dresses and doesn’t command armies, I suppose? And stays in the background where she won’t overshadow Call-ah-um, her twin.

ALLEN: Oh right.

>but she is very kind and giving.

SAUL: And will undoubtedly get married to some other poor sap in a secondary romance plot.

>Mainonneennial:

WENDY: Um…

SAUL: Er, give me a minute.

ASTHOR: Steve.

SAUL: That sounds sensible.

>Other sister. she cares only for her self. She is jealous of the attention the twins recieve not only from their people but family as well.

ASTHOR: You know, I’m thinking that Steve here might, just might, mind you, be the villain of the piece.

WENDY: I don’t blame her. With that name, I’d hate my family too.

>She is also jealous of the relationship between Calathiel and Legolas.

SAUL: Oh, I wonder if her scheming will work. The suspense.

>Calamaethor: Although he is not the oldest he is heir to the throne of Alanis.

SAUL: My research on this “Interwebs” thing Riev left around says that Alanis is a singer from some place called Canada.

ALLEN: He inherited her toilet from someone?

ASTHOR: Poor guy. That’s the crappiest inheritance I’ve ever heard of. (kicks Wendy’s armor, making a suitable rimshot noise)

>He is a brilliant warrior and leader.

>Lairion:

WENDY: Lair-eon?

SAUL: Lah-ear-eye-on?

ALLEN: It sounds like a wyvern’s name. Probably the runt of the litter that got given to the least promising recruit.

>Oldest of the children. he could care less about the throne and more about learning.

WENDY: It wouldn’t be honorable to make a cheap joke about the author here…

>He is a scholor(sp?).

ASTHOR: I’ve got no honor as it is, Wendy. ‘Obviously, unlike the author, who couldn’t even be bothered to look up one spelling.’ How’s that?

WENDY: Thank you.

>Caunwen:

WENDY: Con-win?

SAUL: Sawn-win?

>Queen of Alanis. She is a sweet woman who loves her children and her people.

SAUL: But not all at the same time, as that takes too much energy and likely isn’t legal in most provinces.

ASTHOR: Especially not if you bring the goats in too.

WENDY: (sigh)

>She worries when Calathiel leave for battle

ALLEN: Calathiel leave for battle. (grunt)

WENDY: Wendy stab fanfic with javelin. (grunt)

ASTHOR: Asthor just sit here and drink booze, thanks. (takes a hit off his flask)

>or Just for scouting as she is the youngest.

SAUL: Excuse me? Who’s Just?

WENDY: Um…looking at the sentence structure, the Queen’s youngest.

SAUL: But…but she wasn’t in the pointless list of characters! I feel cheated!

>Thalion:

WENDY: They-lion?

SAUL: The-alien?

>King of Alanis. He is a brilliant leader and King. His people love and respect him.

ALLEN: So, like Lord Eliwood…but written way worse.

ASTHOR: Well, therrrrrrr. Hey, you’re right, it is fun to say.

ALLEN: Told you.

>I own no one besides Calathiel, Caladwen,Calamaethor, Lairion, Mainonnenniel

ASTHOR: And you’re very welcome to ‘em, miss!

>and my parents my mother, Caunwen and my father Thalion

WENDY: The author owns her own parents?

ASTHOR: Well, some people are into that kind of thing.

SAUL: Does that mean she’s her own sister? Or is that aunt?

WENDY: In-law. Twice removed.

ALLEN: Some people have a family tree. This girl has a couple of twigs.

12/5/2006, 20:42

Send Email to Spanish Ninja Send PM to Spanish Ninja

Spanish Ninja
Tea Drinker

Registered: 12-2006
Posts: 4
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)

Reply | Quote

Re: "A Light Through The Dark"

>I rode through the forest on my way back home. My regiment behind me.

WENDY: -was doing what?

SAUL: Getting a group together to introduce her to a new thing called a “comma”. I hear they’re very useful.

>My brother and I shared the responsibility of leading the army, I commanded half and he commanded the other half.

ASTHOR: -to party!

>My brother is the crown prince of Alanis

SAUL: (Sue Voice) Although, on Tuesdays, he prefers to be called Edna, Queen of the Pony People.

WENDY: (Sue Voice) And I get to be a fluffy purple wyvern!

>which made me the crown princess

SAUL: I thought “crown” meant you were the next direct heir to the throne. Which means there can only be one of those at a time.

ASTHOR: Unless this singer woman had two toilets.

>(yes I made up the country).

ALLEN: Hey, the character admits she’s a fake!

SAUL: So, “princess of Alanis” means that not only has she stolen this poor woman’s bathroom fixtures, but that she’s dominating her and forcing her to call her Princess?

ASTHOR: I think I read a story like that once. Strictly for its literary merit, of course. (wink)

WENDY: (facepalm)

>I have two other sisters and one other brother,

WENDY: (Sue Voice) Did I mention I have sisters and brothers yet?

>but he could care less about leading the army, plus I was the best archer in all of Alanis.

ASTHOR: Shooting skills are connected to command rights now? Someone let Wolt know about this when we get back.

>I was also different from everyone in my country

ASTHOR: How do you do it, Mary?

>although we were all immortal I had powers no one else.
EVERYBODY: (waits for the verb)

(crickets)

>This wise wizard

SAUL: -from the Department of Redundancy Department-

>that was present the day my sister and I were born (that’s right we are twins) said that I was special and he called me an ultimate.

ASTHOR: -raging Mary Sue. But nobody listened, worse luck.

ALLEN: Do Mary Sues ever actually rage?

ASTHOR: You’d be surprised.

>A child of the sun and moon he said.

ALLEN: What the heck is a “moon he said”?

SAUL: It sounds like something from Sacae that you’d be eating, minding your own business, until someone tells you it’s actually weasel with horse intestine.

>I tend to embrace my moon half.

ALLEN: Heh heh heh. “Embrace my moon half”.

ASTHOR: If you know what I mean.

>We were still quite away from home.

WENDY: As opposed to being rather away from home.

SAUL: Moderately away from home?

>My father had sent us scouting for orcs

WENDY: -to appear in his next play, which required a very ugly chorus.

>(this is before the war of the ring).

ASTHOR: But during the war of the necklace.

WENDY: And after the war of the hoop earring. Jewelry sales get serious here.

>We were near Mirkwood and I decided this was
a good place to stop

SAUL: -breathing?

>for the night.

SAUL: (sigh) Well, I had to try.

ASTHOR: Good effort. (pats him on the shoulder)

>"All right lets make camp here for tonight"

ALLEN: (Sue Voice) I haven’t embraced my moon half in a while!

WENDY: Allen!

ALLEN: What?

>I yelled bringing my company to a stop

SAUL: -without filling out the necessary paperwork for disbanding a business, which meant that the government could take all our profits for the year.

>for the night.

ALLEN: Really? I thought it was noon or something.

>My climbed down from my gray and black horse

ASTHOR: Sure, describe the horse, but not what thing of hers is climbing off it. Tch.

>whose name is Arrna (which means storm in Elvish)

ALLEN: Arrrrrna.

SAUL: Is she sure it’s not Elvish for “pirate”?

ALLEN: Therrrrr. Whee!

>and let her roam free knowing she would be back in a moments notice if I called her.

ASTHOR: (Horse) So long, suckers! Name me “Pirate”, will you?

>One of my men walked up to me. "Your Highness, we are set up for the night, I have set up a rotating guard for the night." He replied.

SAUL: Yes, but was it for the night? These things are important.

WENDY: One soldier spinning around all night? That’s stupid. Everybody knows you need two rotating guards. One clockwise, one counter-clockwise.

>"Very good" I replied and looked around. Most of my men were archers; they were some of the best in all of Middle Earth.

ALLEN: So if shooting skill equals right to command here, this would turn into a clusterf- (looks at Wendy) uh, big mess, really fast. Everyone would split off and do different things, and they’d all get wiped out.

ASTHOR: Allen, you’re thinking. Not a good idea. Have some of this. (offers flask)

ALLEN: Hey, thanks. (slurp)

>The rest were regular foot soldiers.

WENDY: I hate it when soldiers have irregular feet. It makes marches a pain.

>We had just begun to settle in

SAUL: For the night? I hope so.
>for the night,

SAUL: That’s a relief.

>when one of the lookouts came running into camp. He ran over to me.

ASTHOR: Look out!

SAUL: That was…stupid.

ASTHOR: Hey, I’m trying. They can’t all be gems.

>"Your Highness, Orcs they are attacking he cried out. The men got moving very quickly.

WENDY: Is “he cried out” a position that’s being attacked?

ASTHOR: Maybe it’s near the “moon he said”.

SAUL: Don’t order it if you ever see it on the menu in Sacae, either.

>I myself quickly ran to my tent and grabbed my bow and quiver and my Sais and followed my men.

ALLEN: Wait. Is the lookout saying this entire thing? Why didn’t he have his bow and quiver in the first place? Even I’m not that dumb.

WENDY: What’s a Sais?

ASTHOR: Oh, I’m sure it’ll be explained in lengthy, redundant detail later. Be patient.

>The archers and I ran towards the forest and took position within the trees while the foot soldiers took position below us. I started to give hand signals to the generals and everyone got in position.

WENDY: Yes, but was everyone in position? I don’t think you made it clear enough.

ALLEN: Generals? As in, more than one? On a routine scumbashing expedition?

ASTHOR: Well, Mary’s never been one for doing things by half.

ALLEN: The last time anyone gave General Marcus a “hand signal” the poor jerk landed on kitchen duty for three weeks.

>"Saji eis" I called out in elvish to the archers (which we use not only in court life but also in battle).

SAUL: Elvish is a strange language. On one hand, “Calathiriel”. On the other, “Saji eis”. They don’t seem to go.

WENDY: Sort of as if it was being made up as the author went along.

SAUL: No, really? I am shocked and appalled.

>(Take aim)

ALLEN: (At Mary’s head)

ASTHOR: How did you do that, anyway?

ALLEN: (It isn’t easy)

>I watched as my archers pulled out arrows and pulled them into their bow strings.

SAUL: What does pulling an arrow into a bowstring look like? Does it just disappear inside?

>"Thosi" I commanded again. We began firing on the orcs

WENDY: Because if you water on an orc, all you do is make it angry.

>while my foot soldiers readied for the battle. We took down many of the orcs before I gave the signal for my archers to drop to the ground and began to fight hand to hand with the foot soldiers. There were more orcs then I thought and I watched my men begin to fall.

ALLEN: (Suspense)

ASTHOR: I can almost hear the clash of weapons.

12/5/2006, 20:43

Send Email to Spanish Ninja Send PM to Spanish Ninja

Spanish Ninja
Tea Drinker

Registered: 12-2006
Posts: 4
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)

Reply | Quote

Re: "A Light Through The Dark"

>I couldn't risk using my powers because I was afraid that I would hurt my own men.

SAUL: Dearest Mary, if you’re going to write in shiny powers, please make sure they serve some use to the plot.

WENDY: And also that there is a plot.

SAUL: That, too.

>I was just about to call a retreat when arrows began to come from somewhere within the trees.

ASTHOR: Like inside the trunks? Now that’s camouflage.

>I knew right away that it was the elves. We had always been friends with the elves and we still were.

WENDY: (Sue Voice) Even though they forgot my birthday and never returned my letters. We’re friends, I’m telling you!

>I quickly looked around and released

WENDY: -the hounds!

ALLEN: For the night!

>we were winning. I heard my second in command Urúvion

SAUL: Er-you-vye-on?

WENDY: You-rue-vee-own?

ASTHOR: You guys didn’t see the accent. It’s obviously pronounced “Norman”.

>scream out my name just as things went black.

SAUL, ALLEN, ASTHOR: (snicker)

WENDY: Huh?

ASTHOR: Never mind.

>I woke later to the feel

ALLEN: (Already? Mary moves in fast)

SAUL: Allen, could you not do that?

ALLEN: (Aww, damn) How’s this?

SAUL: Thank you.

>of a cold wet cloth against my forehead. I opened my eyes and my head began to pound even harder. I looked around as best I could and released

WENDY: -the prisoners?

ALLEN: Freedom!

>I was in the middle of a battle camp.
"I am happy to see you are awake" I heard a voice say from beside me. I looked over and saw the most beautiful elf I had ever seen. He had long blond hair, beautiful blue eyes and pale skin that seemed to glow in the moon light.

WENDY: That would be really creepy.

ASTHOR: No jobs involving stealth in that guy’s future.

>"Where am I?" I asked confused.

SAUL: The middle of a battle camp?

>"We are safe in the forest" He replied then added "Well, as safe as we can get in the forest"

WENDY: For the night!

>"Are my men okay?" I asked.
"Most will survive

ALLEN: Wait, aren’t Calashamalamadingdong’s people supposed to be immortal?

SAUL: It’s probably the sort of immortal that simply means they don’t get old. Because that would be unattractive.

ASTHOR: Ah, come on, you know you like me. Here, have a drink. (passes Saul the flask)

>but there are quite a few that need serious medical attention, including yourself, you took quite a blow to the back of your head and have a few cuts and scrapes."

ASTHOR: Oh, she’s fine. She wasn’t using that brain anyway.

WENDY: So…she was in a tree, being the archer and commander, and someone hit her in the back of the head?

SAUL: It’s the tree gnomes. They’ll get you every time.

>"mmmkay" I drawled out still a little tired.

WENDY: “did wild commas burn your village when you were a child” I said wishing dragons would eat riev.

SAUL: Wendy, I’m surprised that you, of all people, could be so callous about the suffering of living things. Think of the poor dragons.

>"I am Legolas" he said looking at me.

WENDY: Run!

>"I am Calathiel" I replied back

SAUL: Good. Replying front is so gauche. (takes a drink)

>then added "but you can call me Cala"

ALLEN: I’m Allen, but you can call me Al!

WENDY: I’m Wendy, but you can call me Wen!

ASTHOR: I’m Asthor, but you can call me- hey, wait a minute!

SAUL: We already do.

ASTHOR: That’s it, give my beer back. (Asthor stands up in front of the screen and reaches toward Saul, who makes an indignant noise and hands over the flask.)

>"Well then Cala you need to rest we are leaving first thing in the morning.

SAUL: She needed serious medical attention for a head injury, and now she’s ready to ride?

ALLEN: Maybe this Legolamb guy knows she’s, you know, Mary, but doesn’t want to waste arrows.

SAUL: Ever the optimist.

>After asking Urúvion to find Arrna (my horse)

WENDY: Because we can’t be expected to remember that after almost a page.

ASTHOR: Do you think I’ve got the attention span of a- hey, 1 G. (picks it up) Excellent.

>and bring her here I fell back to sleep.

ALLEN: Is that it?

SAUL: That’s it. There was apparently just the one chapter.

ALLEN: Whooooo! Go embrace your moon half, Riev!

(The dimensional window opens again.)

ASTHOR: Still sane, General! And not even out of booze!

RIEV: And still stubborn, I see…(gets out a Purge tome) I heard that last comment, Sir Allen of Pherae.

ALLEN: (draws sword) So?

SAUL: Allen, you moron. Hold on, must there be violence? It’s in ficese, you don’t have any way to know what he actually meant by that!

RIEV: (puts book away) You are quite right.

WENDY: He is?

ALLEN: Aww, Saul! I could have taken him!

RIEV: So, I may therefore take it to mean “find something worse next time”? That sounds reasonable.

(doors of the projection room open)

RIEV: Until next time, my dear knights. (to someone in the background) Push the button, Novala. (dimensional window shuts)

WENDY: (mumble) Think of the dragons…(grabs armor)

ASTHOR: (ruffles Wendy’s hair) Hey, Wendy, you should go read something as training for the night. I’m sure Saul and I could find you something with actual punctuation for the night.

SAUL: (shoots Asthor a dirty look) Yes.

WENDY: Okay for the night.

SAUL: Would you stop that?

ALLEN: Nah, it’s too much fun doing this for the night.

(Asthor and Wendy head towards the Fortress’s library. Allen starts hacking at the practice dummy again.)

ALLEN: 61 for the night (thwack!)…62 for the night (thwack!)…

SAUL: St. Elimine, please preserve my sanity for the- (He stops, sighs, and follows Asthor and Wendy.)

__________________________

(This MST is by Spanish Ninja, with thanks to BowzerJ and dreamingfifi. Mystery Science Theater 3000, Fire Emblem: Fuuin no Tsurugi/Sealed Sword, Fire Emblem: Seima no Kouseki/Sacred Stones, the Lord of the Rings, and “A Light Through the Dark” are not my creations, neither do I profit from them. Thank you for reading, and keep circulating the posts!)

Critical Hit!

>I own no one besides Calathiel, Caladwen,Calamaethor, Lairion, Mainonnenniel and my parents my mother, Caunwen and my father Thalion

12/5/2006, 20:45

Send Email to Spanish Ninja Send PM to Spanish Ninja