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Telcontar Dunedain
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Registered: 09-2004
Location: Thornbury, England
Posts: 247
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Re: The Joke Thread
I've heard that one before!
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They are proud and wilful, but they are true-hearted, generous in thought and deed: bold but not cruel; wise but unlearned, writing no books but singing many songs after the manner of children of Men before the Dark Years.
Aragorn
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11/6/2004, 8:42
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Telcontar Dunedain
Moderator Extrordinaire
Registered: 09-2004
Location: Thornbury, England
Posts: 247
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: The Joke Thread
Another one from the Moot.
Mary had a little lamb. And all the doctors fainted! 
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They are proud and wilful, but they are true-hearted, generous in thought and deed: bold but not cruel; wise but unlearned, writing no books but singing many songs after the manner of children of Men before the Dark Years.
Aragorn
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11/14/2004, 8:09
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Nurvingiel
The MSTer
Registered: 09-2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 730
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Re: The Joke Thread
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
And some non-redneck jokes...
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
Top Ten Signs That It's Going to be a Bad Shift
10. The previous shift tells you, "Things have been quiet."
9. You walk onto the floor and someone from the previous shift says, "Is it that time already?"
8. You run into the pharmacist at the elevator, he hands you a case of Prozac and says, "Here, this is for your floor."
7. Your phone rings 4 hours before your shift and they beg you to come in early.
6. After giving report, the nurse yells from the elevator, "Oh, by the way, they're 'pleasantly confused'."
5. While driving to work, every radio station is playing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door".
4. As soon as you walk in, someone hands you scrubs and says, "Here, you'd better put these on."
3. You come in and find one of the previous shift nurses openly weeping at the nurse's station.
2. The nurse about to give you report looks up from her notes and asks, "How many R's in diarrhea?"
1. There's no fresh coffee in the break room.
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12/2/2004, 19:12
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Nurvingiel
The MSTer
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Re: The Joke Thread
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses
in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?"
A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?"
A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
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12/2/2004, 19:25
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klatukatt
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
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Re: The Joke Thread
Sooo... how rude can these get?
Sorry, forgot the joke I was going to tell. I got distracted by the punch line "Sandra Dee was a lesbian, oh my god..."
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12/3/2004, 19:38
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Nurvingiel
The MSTer
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Re: The Joke Thread
How rude... no racist jokes (not that I think you'd tell one), but no jokes making fun of people's countries in mean ways (use your judgement), no overly sexual jokes, no excessive references to private parts, sex etc.
etc. etc.
Basically, a little rude is okay, a lot rude is not okay. If you're not sure, just email me the joke first and I'll let you know. 
(trillian2111@hotmail.com)
Ex. This joke is okay, even though it's mean to lawyers and a bit violent.
A truck driver is cruising down the highway, when he sees a priest hitch-hiking. He pulls over and picks him up. They're driving along for about half an hour, chatting pleasantly, when the truck driver sees a lawyer hitch-hiking. Without thinking, he moves over onto the shoulder to run over the lawyer. At the very last minute, he swerves away, because he doesn't want to run someone over with a priest in the truck!
Feeling badly, he apologizes. "Father, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have done that."
"That's okay," replies the priest, "I got him with my door."
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12/4/2004, 8:00
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klatukatt
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Registered: 12-2004
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Re: The Joke Thread
Ok, so the one I was gonna do was too sexual...
"Why did the lollypop cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the lollypop! I mean the chicken! DAMN! I always mess these things up!"
My humanitites teacher told that one. I guess you had to be there, and be really drunk.
"I tried doing donuts, but the filling couldn't go through the straw."
For some reason my dance teacher DIED after hearing that one. Can someone tell me why it's funny?
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12/4/2004, 18:14
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Telcontar Dunedain
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Re: The Joke Thread
Ummmm. It's not!
---
They are proud and wilful, but they are true-hearted, generous in thought and deed: bold but not cruel; wise but unlearned, writing no books but singing many songs after the manner of children of Men before the Dark Years.
Aragorn
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12/5/2004, 4:43
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klatukatt
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Re: The Joke Thread
maybe...
so not to beat the metaforical if not dead then certianly mortally wounded horse,
the donut joke wasn't funny.
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12/5/2004, 12:40
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