BangBangSami
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Writing of 1/9/07 progress with the book
1/9/07
It is horrible feeling to know that you have been lied to knowing that someone lied to you just so they would feel better at the moment. If you know a person is a liar does that mean they will always be one? I see that no matter how hard I try to make people better, they don’t always want to be better. I don’t see like being a competition, but if you have a chance to be a better person, why not take it? People seem to believe that things will just come to them. I’ve been here in Arizona for over a year, and I have been trying this entire time to make myself happy. I’ve started to think, how long do I have to wait? What else do I have to do? With all the people that I have met or gotten to know here are not many I would call friends. I have met many ‘fake’ people, this is probably why I have a trust issue. I have trusted too many people with so much ease, and I’ve always allowed people to walk all over me with no hesitation. I love helping people because I believe that if I could help people be happy that would be my purpose in life. I have always…. Ok not always, but recently in the last year believed that in order to be happy I have to make myself happy first. I still believe that I don’t need anyone else in my life to be happy ... But before I would turn around and help someone out to make them the least bit happy, yet I am still not happy with myself… <Pause> <deep breath> Exhale.
No matter how many questions I ask to become better, I can’t get a straight answer. It’s not like I am getting the run around I am just not getting that answers that satisfy my questions. It is not like I am asking what the meaning to life is, I just want to know my purpose to make things better and to may myself happy. If I can’t make myself happy how can I make others happy? I don’t care about what most people think about me personally weather I am emo, sad, excited, depressed, etc. but I don’t want to come off all negative in any way. I can’t explain anything about myself. This is the best I can do:
I am honest with everyone but myself. So you would have to understand that asking me to tell you about me creates quite a dilemma. So in typical me fashion, I will clarify and obscure simultaneously.
I like the color green because it feels strong. I like the color blue because it smells fresh.
Do you follow?
I crave your adoration but don't want your attention. I like to bake, but not to eat. I love to eat, but not to consume. When I dream I dream in color. I live in a world of grays. I savor love and despair equally and have been willing to die for both. I don't care if you hate me, just don't judge me inaccurately. I am lactose intolerant and refuse to take Lactaid before eating cheese. I like to make things of beauty that no one will ever see. I like to destroy what I have made. I cling desperately to the minuscule and disregard wholly the gargantuan. I hate the word "Gargantuan". I love all words. I curl my eyelashes and I hate mascara. I am hopeful about romance, but refuse to date because the romance is a false pretense. I don't want any new friends and don't care if what I have written appeals to relative strangers. My best friends were all once relative strangers whom I would have assumed I could care less for. I have had cosmetic surgery which men find disheartening.
It is in human nature to judge and people will always judge. I try not to judge and I even say I don’t judge, but I still do. Majority of people out there in the world judge off of first impressions. First impressions are the worst to shows a persons character. How can you like someone if you don’t know who they really are? People solely judge a person within 30 seconds of meeting them. Based on how they introduce themselves, appearance, body language, etc. But what about relationships? There is a honeymoon stage….. yes I said it.
The honeymoon stage. I have learn how to master this stage, which is why I avoid it in general. For people who actually want a relationship together they are always putting up a front to impress the other. It is like a 3 month process of lies. By the time you realize it you have already changed yourself so that those things that the other person enjoyed is apart of your human nature. So the time passes and you realize that this ‘relationship’ isn’t going anywhere and the cycle starts again. So instead of going through this process over and over again I learned to be myself, I have learned to make the first 30 seconds count.
At the begging of any kind of relationship is like a job interview. The end result: Weather you get the title of not IE: Friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, talking buddy, husband/wife, secretary, etc. Of course you want to avoid the negative titles like *****, slut, whore… etc. Back to the honeymoon stage being like a job… When you get the job/title you try your best to impress the other person/boss so they believe that they made the right decision. In all reality it is what you need to do if that person is expecting that from you. This is why I refer a relationship to a job. The littlest thing will make you lose the game. So what you know to do is to kiss ass, lie, do anything to get ahead of the game in a relationship/job. In most cases it will benefit you if you put out. But I do not recommend this for a real job. (Not from personal experience) also remember that titles can easily be downgraded. People judge based on this process and it goes for any meeting experience, phone call, letter, email, etc. The way that I have put myself out there for the last few years is being the brutally honest *****. Even though I am still this was I have learned to hide it better. Once I came off that way people did act skeptical towards me. It wasn’t like a fear thing it was more of these people thinking ‘Wow she really doesn’t give a **** about anyone’, when all actuality I really do care about people….. ok let me reword that…. I only care about certain people. I do have a wall up and the way I thought I should act to enforce this wall was to be a total *****. Well instead now, I act like I really do give a **** but all I really am hearing un my head is ‘blah blah blah.’ Now some people see me as one of the nicest people they know, but actually if they were to ever disappear I probably wouldn’t notice. But now I am more ‘socially acceptable’. Don’t get me wrong I love to meet new people, I am a social butterfly but if I don’t see myself wanting to know someone past the small talk I am not going to waste my time on the contact info exchange or ‘catching up’ with them later.
That’s all for today kids.
---
"Silence is the Absence of love"
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1/10/2007, 1:49 pm
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Lachesis
Resident Homefry
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Re: Writing of 1/9/07 progress with the book
it should be a book of essays... i've had alot of these views when i was in high school. you're right about the first 3 months being like a big interview... of trying your best to impress the other person, before yours/ or their's true colors show.
keep at it, it's an interesting read.
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1/10/2007, 4:49 pm
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Sanguis
Wacky Wild Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man!
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Re: Writing of 1/9/07 progress with the book
In relating relationships to a job, I will say that upkeeping a relationship is a job and you should never get lazy with it. But you must remember to be honest, and remember to never lie. It's not worth it. If you care for the person and yourself, you owe it to them and yourself to be truthful, honest, and loving unconditionally. Even though Amanda and I have heated arguments from time to time, I never once wished I wasn't with her, I've always been honest and up front with her, and even if it means more arguing; I would never lie to her to stop a fight. I hope that makes sense.
People deserve honesty and respect. Unless they're total ****asses who you don't care about. If that is the case then different rules apply.
But when dealing with a relationship, for it to work, you gotsta be the best you can be not only for them, but for yourself. 
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"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye." Hunter S. Thompson
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1/12/2007, 4:40 pm
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BangBangSami
Swahillian Muskrat
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Location: Raeford, NC
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Re: Writing of 1/9/07 progress with the book
Wow I quit the book.... now I am writing a book for my kid.
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"Silence is the Absence of love"
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4/26/2007, 6:41 pm
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