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dixon hill
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Re: Joke of the day....
Yeah, unfortunately you're not the only one. I wonder why my son decided to tell me that joke?
--Scott
---
Scott
"If it is true, as Nietzsche said, that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it; it is equally true that those who do remember the past may not know when it's over." Lane Kirkland
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Oct/19/06, 6:24 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
How's this:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
With Lucent, you would have $3.50 left of the original $1000.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan. 
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Oct/20/06, 6:16 am
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Meer
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Registered: 04-2004
Location: Southeast Michigan
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Re: Joke of the day....
quote:
dixon hill wrote:
This is from my 15 year old:
How do you know you're getting old?...You have dry dreams and wet farts.
Kids today, no respect for their elders.
--Scott
ROFLMAO&PIMP!!!!
---
Happy puffin'
Meer
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Oct/25/06, 11:48 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
just got this in an email. You bugged by telemarketers? Might try this.....
quote:
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
This could be the start of something fun!
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Oct/27/06, 4:50 pm
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Bullmoose
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Re: Joke of the day....
ok you asked for it. Here is a real groaner.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed,and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and did what couples sometimes do in the back seat.Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home She put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you one thing.... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good
time!"
---
English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.
www.notjustforhim.com
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Oct/28/06, 8:44 am
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
Thought I'd resurrect this thread.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Tater, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart, and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.
I can't shop at Wal-Mart anymore!!
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Nov/25/07, 10:48 am
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Jackstraw
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Re: Joke of the day....
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Nov/25/07, 1:20 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and
fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty
dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Dec/10/07, 3:00 pm
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