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Jackstraw
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Re: Joke of the day....
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Dec/11/07, 1:20 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Dec/12/07, 8:05 am
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Mar/12/08, 10:04 am
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Jimbo44
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Re: Joke of the day....
A ventriloquist had always wished that he was a farmer.
One day he got lucky on the lottery and won 2,000,000 and decided to buy a farm. Looking round one that was for sale, he thought he'd have a bit of fun with the old farmer so he asked the sheep what the place was like:
"Great, plenty of grass to eat and a haircut every year" he got the sheep to repy.
"Thats incredible" said the farmer, "they've never spoken to me in 50 years".
They went on round and the ventriloquist did the same trick with the dogs, cows and horses, leaving the old farmer shocked.
They passed a locked shed and the ventriloquist asked what was in there; the farmer tried to pull him on but he insisted on seeing it. "OK", said the farmer "it's the pigs but if they try and tell you I've been making love to them, they're all liars.
---
Work is the curse of the smoking classes
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Mar/15/08, 4:47 am
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dixon hill
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Re: Joke of the day....
Following on from Jim's farmer joke...
A travelling salesman was driving through the countryside when nature's call came on. Thinking he could wait, he kept driving. However, the urge became too strong to ignore any longer. Seeing a pumpkin patch in a nearby field, and noting that no one seemed around, he pulled over, went over to a pumpkin, took out his trusty Swiss army knife, sliced the top off a pumpkin, sat down and relived himself. When he was done, he replaced the lid on top of the pumpkin, got back in the car and drove on.
Within a short distance he came upon a town with a small hotel and checked in for the night. As he got ready for bed, the salesman felt some guilt over ruining the pumpkin, especially when he had been so close to a hotel. He thought he really could have waited and used the hotel's facilitites. The salesman resolved to return to the pumpkin patch and retrive the ruined fruit.
The next day he drove back to the patch, and was chagrined to find all the pumpkins had been picked. He also noticed, for the first time, a farmhouse not far off. Now he was racked with guilt. He drove up to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered, the salesman explained his situation of the previous evening, aplogized profusely and offered to pay for the pumpkin.
The farmer listened silently, and when the salesman was finished with his story, turned, picked up the phone and dialed a number. "Cy," he said when the connection was made, "you were right about that pumpkin pie."
---
Scott
"If it is true, as Nietzsche said, that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it; it is equally true that those who do remember the past may not know when it's over." Lane Kirkland
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Mar/16/08, 12:03 pm
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Jimbo44
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Re: Joke of the day....
I was on a plane when a man came down the aisle with a dog. I said "I didn't know dogs were allowed on planes". "It's OK" he said, "he's airline staff" I asked him what he did and he clicked his fingers and the dog went up the aisle and put its paw on the back of a seat, turned round , came back and sat down. "He's smuggling drugs" the man said, "we'll arrest him when we land". I asked if he could detect anything else and he clicked his fingers again and the dog went up the aisle, sniffed under a seat, ran back and messed all over the floor. The guy screamed, "Oh God, he's found a bomb".
---
Work is the curse of the smoking classes
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Mar/16/08, 12:54 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
Yep...them's funny!!  Now...in honor of the holiday. I offer you this:
IRISH JOKE OF THE YEAR.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!'
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Mar/16/08, 4:36 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
March 15th...the Ides of March. found this elsewhere and thought it rather humorous:
quote:
t's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did not die from stab wounds by Brutus, but, rather, was poisoned. During a sumptuous banquet which they both attended on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius' salad. (Thus making the world's first Caesar's salad - no, that's not the joke, wait for it....)
When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked, "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius gasped in reply:
"Ate two, Brute."
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Mar/16/08, 7:50 pm
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