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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
What Rob said..... 
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Jan/15/09, 8:39 am
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peterwd
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Re: Joke of the day....
Ted and Y'all.
I will cultivate a Southern Accent before
I next visit the USA. 
---
Lang May Your Lum Reek.
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Jan/15/09, 10:07 am
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident when a huge semi-truck ran a
stop sign and smacked into Clyde's truck. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde then said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?
Now, your honor, what the hell would you say?"
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Feb/5/09, 12:52 pm
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tranders
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Re: Joke of the day....
LMAO 
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"Too much of anything is bad,but too much of good whiskey is barely enough".
Mark Twain
Rob
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Feb/5/09, 11:03 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew:
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with million-dollar high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Gordon's wife in the shower.
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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May/13/09, 2:32 pm
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tranders
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Re: Joke of the day....
My wife will love this joke.
She doesn't care for #24.
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"Too much of anything is bad,but too much of good whiskey is barely enough".
Mark Twain
Rob
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May/13/09, 10:11 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a page of the names in it and told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is a sixty-eight-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Aug/13/09, 2:45 pm
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Bullmoose
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Re: Joke of the day....
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of yas!"
St Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
---
English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.
www.notjustforhim.com
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Aug/13/09, 10:10 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
Found this one today....kinda tickled my funny bone....
It was the first day of a school in Summersville Public School, and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little poop. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2004."
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Sep/8/09, 7:32 pm
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