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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a 'tittle.'
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multitasking was invented..)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1..19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know).
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.'
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Sep/13/09, 9:45 am
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Bakerman2204
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Re: Joke of the day....
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Sep/17/09, 6:47 pm
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Jimbo44
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Re: Joke of the day....
Read on another Forum.
A mob boss finds out his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf, which is the reason he was hired in the first place - so he couldn't overhear anything incriminating that he could later testify about in court against the mob boss.
The mob boss goes to confront the bookkeeper and brings his lawyer who knows sign language.
The mob boss tells the lawyer "ask him where the money is." The lawyer asks where the ten million dollars is using sign language.
The bookkeeper signs back "I don't know what he's talking about." The lawyer tells his the boss "he claims he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The mob boss pulls out a gun, jams it against the bookkeeper's temple and yells "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to the bookkeeper "if you don't tell him where the ten million you embezzled from him is, he's going to blow your head off, now tell him where the money is."
The bookkeeper signs back "ok, I'll tell you, its in a briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens."
The mob boss asks the lawyer "what did he say?"
The lawyer replies "he says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
---
Work is the curse of the smoking classes
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Sep/19/09, 7:02 am
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Bullmoose
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Re: Joke of the day....
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly
man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being
the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a
drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down
on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will.', replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You
bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin'
somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as
much'.
---
English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.
www.notjustforhim.com
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Sep/26/09, 8:00 am
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MasonM
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Re: Joke of the day....
A little boy and his grandpa were sitting on the bank of a pond fishing.
Grandpa reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out his pipe, and lit it up.
The little boy watched as grandpa blew out the smoke and asked "Grandpa, that looks pretty good, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa looked at the boy and said "I don't know, boy, I have to ask you a question first. Can you tuck your Willy between your legs and touch the crack of your butt?"
A little puzzled, the little boy answered 'No, sir."
"Well, there you go" said grandpa, "you're not old enough."
A little while later Grandpa reached into his paper sack, pulled out a beer, and popped the top. As he drank the little boy watched and then asked "Grandpa, that looks pretty good, do you think I could have one of those?"
Grandpa looked at the boy and said "I don't know, boy, I have to ask you a question first. Can you tuck your Willy between your legs and touch the crack of your butt?"
A little doggedly the boy answered "Nooooo."
"Well, there you go" said grandpa, "you're not old enough."
A little while later the little boy reached into his paper sack and pulled out some soft baked chocolate chip cookies.
Grandpa watched the boy eating one the cookies and asked "Boy, those cookies look pretty good, do you think Grandpa could have one of those?"
The boy looked up at his grandpa and said "I don't know, Grandpa, I have to ask you a question first. Can you tuck your Willy between your legs and touch the crack of your butt?"
Grandpa proudly replied "I sure can!"
The boy replied "Good, go screw yourself, these are mine!"
Last edited by MasonM, Oct/22/09, 7:58 pm
---
Mason
And though it is much to be a nobleman, it is more to be a gentleman. - Anthony Trollope
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Oct/22/09, 7:56 pm
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tedthebear
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Location: The Missouri Ozark hills...
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Re: Joke of the day....
Good-n Mason.
Here's one for all the Texikans....
There is a single mom of 11 kids in Arlington (TX) who recently dropped her kids off at the Cowboys stadium for the stadium tour and so that she could get a few hours away on her own.
After leaving, she just made it to the hair salon, when her cell phone rang - it was the security at the Cowboys stadium demanding that she immediately return and pick up her kids - they were beating the Cowboys 24-0
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Oct/23/09, 3:17 pm
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
Any Redskins fans out there?
HEADLINE: "D.C. Police are "cracking" down on speeders. For the first offense, they give you
two Redskins tickets. (If you get stopped a second time, they give you two Nationals tickets.)"
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Washington Redskins.
Q. What do the Redskins and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q. How do you keep the Redskins out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. Where do you go in D.C. in case of a tornado?
A. To FedEx Field - they never have a touchdown there!
Q. What do you call a Redskin with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Senior Citizen
Q. What's the difference between the Redskins and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Redskins does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. We may never find out in the 21st century.
Q. What do the Redskins and opossums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Oct/23/09, 3:28 pm
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Jimbo44
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Re: Joke of the day....
TALKING DOG
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff...'
---
Work is the curse of the smoking classes
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Nov/2/09, 6:42 am
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tedthebear
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Re: Joke of the day....
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up.
The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"
The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"
The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
---
The Bear
"When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
The PHB
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Nov/2/09, 12:07 pm
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