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Diaster at Sea

BEEN THERE, SWUM THAT IN SOGGY REMAKE

More than a capsized ocean liner is askew in this halfhearted attempt to remake a true classic: 1972's pinnacle of disaster cinema TPA. You remember, the one where a cruise ship is turned on its head by a monster wave and the well-heeled survivors climb to the top--er, bottom--of the sinking ship to get out. It's TITANIC on steroids.

Sadly, this listless 3-hour TV remake--a new feature version is expected next year--wastes way too much time on a terrorist-bombing subplot that feels like a amateur night on 24. An explosion, not Mother Nature, sends the S.S. Poseidon topsy-turvy, and it often seems as if the entire catastrophe was arranged so cheating husband Steve Guttenburg (who's all wet from the start) can see the light.

In a nod to the new century, one of the survivors is an Australian reality-show producer (Bryan Brown) modeled after Mark Burnette--his squeeze is a runner-up from an American Idol-type show (yes, she sings)--and an e-mail sent from an unside-down Internet lounge plays a pivotal plot point.

The movie's most fatal miscalculation is in taking us outside the ship to monitor the rescue efforts. If ever a disorientation to achieve its cliffhanger magic, it's Poseidon.

Though the performances are uniformly flat--there's not a gradiose scenery-chewer like the original's Shelley Winters in the bunch--you can still find fleeting moments of popcorn fun. But the morning after (to quote from the first film's Oscar-winning ditty), you'll regret having wasted your time. ~ By Matt Roush, TV Guide's Roush Review

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