briannabanks
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Utterpants - new guidlines for contributors
Hi all,
I hope it's OK to post this here?
Miranda asked me to coz we're getting a lot of submissions from people who've been here and to be frank quite a few of them are pretty poor.
So this short article that Miranda wrote may help writers who are interested in writing for Pants:
The Write Stuff
Whenever someone tells me they would like to write, I invariably ask them: "What do you read?" Writing is not possible unless you have spent a lifetime reading well-written literature. All too often, the answer I receive is, "Oh, I don't have time to read. I watch TV and movies, but I would so love to be a writer!" The conversation usually ends there!
Writing is a craft like any other and has to be learned. You may be born with inspiration, but you must first acquire the facility to express it before you can put it on paper. The foundation of that facility is a thorough understanding of grammar, punctuation and English composition. It goes without saying that every writer should be able to spell the majority of the common words in their language without recourse to a dictionary. If you can't, please don't bother submitting your work to us.
We expect a high standard from all our contributors, regardless of what they write or how long they have been writing and make no apology for it. Pick up any newspaper and you will see the same, flowing style, faultless grammar, spelling and punctuation. Can you write like that? If you can, we'll welcome you with open arms. If you can't don't despair. Writers are not born with these abilities; they have to be learned. And the best way to learn them is to read and study as many different examples of professional writing as possible.
Our standards seem to upset some online 'writers'. Indeed, I cannot think of a single contributor to this website who's submission we have rejected that ever responded to the rejection notice we sent them. No one likes to be told that their story may not be quite the masterpiece they thought it was.
The following anecdote may illustrate what I mean. When I first started writing satire news stories I submitted several to a high quality, professional online satire news website (not TheSpoof!). However, my delight at the acceptance of my first submission soon turned to disappointment, not unmixed with righteous indignation, when I discovered how many changes their editor had made to my work. 'The bloody cheek!" I exclaimed. Fortunately I had the presence of mind (and dare I say the maturity), to take several deep breaths and form a more dispassionate view of the changes that had been made. It quickly became apparent that far from 'ruining my work', the editor had not only improved the impact and humour of the piece but also explored several new angles that had not occurred to me when I wrote it.
My next story was published with far fewer changes. By the time I submitted my fifth or sixth story the editor made almost no changes at all. Not only did this improve the quality of the stories they published and widen their appeal, it also taught me several valuable lessons. Not least that the writer who thinks they have nothing left to learn is a writer who is a very sad individual with far too high an opinion of themselves. Sadly, all too many online 'writers' are just such individuals which may explain not only why so much online writing is so repetitive and badly written, but why very few such 'writers' ever get into print.
The goal I set myself and expect my contributors to aim for is a simple one; to produce the most professional and polished work of which they are capable. If you need a yardstick by which to measure your efforts pick up any quality paper, such as the New York Times, or The Independent and honestly ask yourself: "Would my story look out of place if it appeared alongside these?" If the answer is 'yes', that doesn't mean you should consign your efforts to the waste paper basket, nor that we won't publish it, but it does mean that you have some work to do. If you just want to while away a few idle hours at work while that spreadsheet is printing out and like seeing your name in print Utterpants is not the place to exercise your talents.
Does that intimidate you? Good. That may mean you have the talent and the temperament to be a good writer. I am intimidated almost every time I visit the Guardian online, or any number of other online news sites. "How can they write that well?" I invariably ask, or "****! Why didn't I think of that? Dammit, I have a BA in English, (as do many Utterpants writers, by the way, two of whom are professional journalists). But that's just it. Writing compelling and well-crafted stories is not about having a university degree, it's about the ability to put one's thoughts down on paper in a coherent and flowing manner that will engage the reader. This is both an art and a science. The art is in the style and the ideas which lifts one's work above the commonplace and the science are the rules of grammar, punctuation, syntax and spelling that I mentioned above.
Writing is very hard work. People who try it for any length of time understand this. Writing funny, original stories is so damn hard very few people succeed at it. In my experience the people who do it the best are thoughtful, careful readers who thoroughly study successful writers and learn their techniques. Read! A writer who wants to excel at their craft cannot read too much.
Best wishes,
Miranda S Givings
Webmistress
p.s.
Pants accepts anystories on any topic not just sex. I thought I'd get that in.
;-)
Last edited by briannabanks, 2/28/2005, 7:44 pm
---
Bree
without nipples breasts would be pointless
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2/28/2005, 7:38 pm
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darvijen
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Re: Utterpants - new guidlines for contributors
quote:
JJ Jogolo wrote:
to those of you who are trying to break into the satire field and don't seem to have what it takes to get your stories published on UtterPants... fear not... allow me to point you to a site called TheSpoof.
The Spoof will run your stories even with poor grammer and spelling mistakes. The Spoof especially likes X rated sex stories.
LOL JJ
You're a hoot, you know that?
But you forgot the addy: thespoof.com
---
Sometimes I wake up horny. Other times I just let him sleep.
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2/28/2005, 10:31 pm
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darvijen
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Re: Utterpants - new guidlines for contributors
quote:
JJ Jogolo wrote:
Caution: Cryptic message below:
And (to: darviJen) although I haven't forgetten my mission, I have yet to get it started. As soon as I can, I will... time and rl commitments are the delay... gotta have priorities y'know, unfortunately that one is lower than I would prefer.
Aye aye captain.
Fret not, darling. My procrastination beats your procrastination any day.
What a funny word procrastination is.
I kept starting to type prostrate by accident. What does that mean?
---
Sometimes I wake up horny. Other times I just let him sleep.
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3/1/2005, 1:32 am
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briannabanks
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Re: Utterpants - new guidlines for contributors
quote:
JJ Jogolo wrote:
I hope it is okay if I add...
to those of you who are trying to break into the satire field...just go sign up at The Spoof and submit your subpar stories there... they love em.
LOL. I should have added that myself as a postscript. Dayum, I'm slipping, JJ. Glad ya were here to catch me. ;-)
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Bree
without nipples breasts would be pointless
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3/2/2005, 5:25 pm
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briannabanks
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Re: Utterpants - new guidlines for contributors
quote:
JJ Jogolo wrote:
...there is no shame in a rejection from MS G.
It's one of the most sought after prizes on the Net, JJ. I have three I've framed. ;-)
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Bree
without nipples breasts would be pointless
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3/5/2005, 6:49 am
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