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Helium gas
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Re: Helium unearthed
quote:
produce wrote:
Well, there you have it folks.. You HAD your chance, the real Helium here for you to ask anything you darned well pleased.
: (
I am a bit surprised that no one ever bothered to ask, "What the hell was really going on at the Spoof while you were there?"
I appeared at the Spoof sometime after Jack purchased the website from the Lowton Bros. At the time, the list of charactors included:
Jack--the Owner and Editor in Chief.
Chris--the programmer.
Dr J-- the UK-based Editor.
I asked Jack if he could use a hand editing "from the time zone in which most of Spoof's writers lived." I made up the name "Helium" (and used a picture of the man who invented the element Helium as an avatar.) I was given the ability to "edit" stories and a very limited number of things on the website.
Now for the interesting details:
Jack turned out to be the most non-communicative person on the planet. He would have rather shovelled **** in a windstorm than write or answer an email. That's kind of a strange charactor trait for someone who considers himself as the editor/owner of a web site. I figure he had better things to do than mess around with his new Spoof toy.
I think Chris was a student who had some programming skills and was paid minimally to perform any programming as Jack (who never communicates with anyone) would direct. Chris was not about to change any programming detail that I might suggest.
Dr. J seemed to have a nice friendly arrangement with most of the writers.
Then (out of left field) GoogleNews threatened to drop the Spoof because of all the sexually based material we were publishing. I strongly suggested that we should just make sure our editorial standards met Google's standard---without mentioning anything to the writers about GoogleNews. Dr. J took it upon himself to blab to everyone that Google was behind the sudden "crackdown".
Suddenly every writer was accusing the Spoof of "caving in" to Google-----which is precisely what I wished to avoid happening. Writers can have no beef with a publisher who sets his own standards, but they immediately go postal when they hear that we are caving in to Google's "demands" and start screaming about some imagined First Amendment right they think they have to write smut.
Dr. J departed. I was left as the only person to handle the day to day affairs. The Spoof website was jammed full of security holes which I could not access or fixfrom the other side of an ocean. Jack was nowhere. Chris (the programmer) would not do anything without Jack's direction. Catch 22.
The writers were going nuts over believing that they were being told what to do by Google.
I will not go into great detail, but I will only point out that there existed a VERY strange unsecure relationship between the Spoof website and the Spoof Forum. I attempted to close various security holes by using "Veteran Status" and other forum settings. As a result, people were gaining and losing 'veteran status' and forum access --completely irrevelent to how good or bad they were as writers.
I undertook a very proactive editing stance. I later discovered that that was probably a big mistake. I later discovered the the "big grinder machine" (the Spoof software) was entirely capable of keeping that website going completely without any human intervention! If submitted stories were not acted upon within ____ days, those stories would be "approved" and go live.
Since Jack didn't give a damn about anything, I should have just left the thing to it's own devices. I think that might have worked but for the occassional hacking which was performed by certain unnamed induhviduals present at this website. You fellows are what kept me at Spoof!
Why were so many writers banned? Stay tuned. That's a whole 'nother story.
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1/2/2008, 8:35 am
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Helium gas
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Re: Helium unearthed
Three weeks in the Life of a Spoof Writer:
Week One.
Dear Spoof Editor:
Thank you so much for accepting and publishing my article, "Milk Toast, the New Taste Sensation!" I've been writing ever since I graduated from high school (last month) and, until now, everyone has rejected my stories. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me a chance!
Respectfully,
M. Twain
Week Two.
Hello again Helium:
Wow! This has been great. Already I am #13 on the Top Writer's List. Two of my stories are now in Google!!!! I feel like a real writer now. I was wondering if it would be OK if I submitted a story about Britney Spears dating her gardener? And, by the way, I have some great ideas on improving things at the Spoof.
Until next time,
Your pal,'
M. Twain
Week Three.
Who the **** do you think you are Helium?
I submitted a story all about the nasty stuff that drips out of Britney Spears vagina---and you rejected it!!! I'll have you know that I am #4 on the Top Writers List and am a highly respected Web author. I am about due to become the world's youngest Pulitzer Prize winner, and here you are rejecting my story. If it weren't for my writing, your ****ty website would be going down the tubes.
Suck a big one, you pompous windbag!
M.Twain
___________________________________________
Now, perhaps many would say that I am exaggerating things a little. Trust me on this: I am not exaggerating one bit! The ONE exception to the above scenario applies to the 3% of Spoof writers who are either professional writers--or (bless their hearts) choose to act like a professional writer.
All the rest fall into the same progression of attitude. Some manage to do it in only two weeks; a few take as long as two months. Eventually, they all go through the same progression.
I'm sorry. The only way I knew of to deal with "the progression" was to ban their sorry ass. And, yes, I would then watch them come over to this website and rag on me--- always conveniently leaving out all the pertinent details, making it up as they went along.
Last edited by Helium gas, 1/2/2008, 11:08 am
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1/2/2008, 10:04 am
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produce
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Re: Helium unearthed
quote:
Helium gas wrote:
I appeared at the Spoof sometime after Jack purchased the website from the Lowton Bros. I made up the name "Helium" (and used a picture of the man who invented the element Helium as an avatar.)
:O
Didn't the man upstairs invent Helium?
Either way, there you have it folks.
The real history of the Spoof in 300 words not less as told by the gas man himself.
You could have made a killing on hits
posting this expose back in the day.
Remember, after the Spoof forum imploded,
this one time secret forum was livelier
than anything going on at the spoof ..
especially with the spoof forum "disabled"
and this being the only place for writers
to communicate. Not everybody here's been
banned but a whole danged bushel of us
have.
Jack'o.
Once he actually sent ME an actual actual
email going,
"See? See what you did? Now the Ditech
lawyers are all over us. We've deleted your
Spoof story from everywhere .. your own
harddrive even check-it (click)!!!".
That Jack'O
What a riot
I can see Bill Murray now with Jack'O in a
headlock going
"You wacky knuckle head"
All I did was kind of mention that Osama
Bin LADEN took out an easy Ditech home
loan. Jack's email to me may be the only
communication anybody's ever gotten from
the Jackster. Even his own mother. That
wacky jacky you gotta love him.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Long long LONG ago I stumbled upon somebody's pending box.
(I was trying to do that javascript bookmarklet thing in the address bar to automate hitting my own boxes by passing it those numerical story id's in the url string.
One day somebody else's pending box appeared. I posted that
finding in the Spoof forum, telling everyone
"I saw somebody else's PENDING box!".
That's the only time
I ever saw someone else's pending box. I never saw another.
Last year I remembered that episode and in the spoof forum reported that it could be done. The Queen asked me to do it. I tried, it didn't work.
That's the TOTAL extent of Produce's spoof
hacking.
Ever.
That one time long ago seeing that one pending box belonging to someone else.
Mark (or is it Paul) thought I had some kind of super human hacking powers so .. the rest is
HIS story.
it's like I said before, seeing another pending box is like kissing your sister. Besides, what could it buy you if you could?
Thanks a lot Queen (she edged me on that day you know. I woke up that morning remembering that I'd forgotten to show the Queen how you could see somebody's pending box. I tried quickly so I could post the results in the forum. The test failed so I went to work.
Next thing I know when I get home from work,
.. your president can't log in anymore).
:O
the dadgum PRESIDENT'S been banned!
(too bad we can't do that to him in real life).
If folks can believe your tale, perhaps they can believe mine. Them's the faq's though it's kind of nice in a strange way folks believing that produce is a super magical spoof hacker. Like Willie Nelson's "Barbarosa", let the legend live on.
Last edited by produce, 1/2/2008, 5:45 pm
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1/2/2008, 5:37 pm
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produce
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Re: Helium unearthed
quote:
Helium gas wrote:
I'm sorry. The only way I knew of to deal with "the progression" was to ban their sorry ass. And, yes, I would then watch them come over to this website and rag on me--- always conveniently leaving out all the pertinent details, making it up as they went along.
I kind of understand all you said there but what about the other instances .. folks getting banned not even knowing why and losing all their stories? Mark and Paul after banning GW kindly not only told me why but
ZIPPED
up
ALL
the prez's stories,
went into their favorite email client and
EMAILED them to me!
With the proper automation all a Spoof editor would have to do is push a button, make that happen. It's all about PR.
Mr Van Horn, Mr Camel, a whole host of other really great writers here were banned not even knowing why, no answers to their emails.
Again, all Flash Nitrate one day in the forum did was post an
EXTERNAL
link
to a girl scout video. I know posting external links back then were forbidden
(ignorance of the law is no excuse) but
flash
after repeated emails to Mr Helium
NEVER got a response as to the reason for the banning. It happened immediately after posting that external link so naturally with no communication, flash has to
assume
that that post did it.
If you recall, the folks here attempted to at least get flash his stories back by ..
..
in the then now-defunct CAPTION CONTEST posting
"Give Flash back his stories".
Soon after that the Caption Contest shut down never to be revived again. Being no way to police that and what anybody could post there that was a wise decision.
I and I'm sure many see what you editors had to go through but .. if you search the threads here you'll see one common thread where banned Spoof writers go ..
"I don't even know WHY I got banned. Flash wrote Helium many emails asking why, no response."
In my own personal EMAIL account at Yahoo some ex-spoof writer wrote balderdash I don't know why saying he'd just gotten banned and wanted to know why Helium was not even responding. Why that banned writer wrote me I've not the foggiest.
That may be one of the biggest beefs some folks here may have, the spoof not at least writing them back going,
"You broke the rules you're banned".
and, like Mark and Paul did,
zipping up and sending them their stories.
Mr Camel was one of the best writers. For years. One day he's banned and (search the threads here) he hasn't the foggiest idea why.
A few of Flash's stories are lost forever. We recovered most of them but in the old days, once you're banned you don't know why and all your stories are toast. I don't think you did this banning, probably Jack'O but here's the spoof's most famous banned
ex-writer Mz Givings .. she decided to create her OWN satire site
a bit of competion for the spoof where many writers went
All that said I do understand what the Spoof editors go through from what you posted and yes many have unfairly spoken here about Helium without having the foggiest idea of the details.
Last edited by produce, 1/2/2008, 6:26 pm
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1/2/2008, 6:23 pm
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Helium gas
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Re: Helium unearthed
quote:
produce wrote:
the spoof's most famous banned
ex-writer Mz Givings .. she decided to create her OWN satire site
a bit of competion for the spoof where many writers went
This proves my point. A lot of writers for theSpoof needed a big kick in the ass. Ms Givings turned around and created Utterpants--a website that is FAR better than theSpoof was (or could ever hope to be!)
ONE of the many reasons Utterpants is better is that it does not hold itself out to be a site where anybody can submit anything and it will be published.
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1/3/2008, 5:40 am
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produce
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Re: Helium unearthed
quote:
Helium gas wrote:
quote:
produce wrote:
the spoof's most famous banned
ex-writer Mz Givings .. she decided to create her OWN satire site
a bit of competion for the spoof where many writers went
This proves my point. A lot of writers for theSpoof needed a big kick in the ass. Ms Givings turned around and created Utterpants--a website that is FAR better than theSpoof was (or could ever hope to be!)
ONE of the many reasons Utterpants is better is that it does not hold itself out to be a site where anybody can submit anything and it will be published.
Here Here (or whatever you Brits say) Mz Givings. You just got a Helium endorsement. If I was Bob Deadwords in an interview I'd ask Mr Helium if he thinks
"anybody can submit" sites
are better than "who let the DOGS IN" sites.
Not ANYBODY can submit to the Onion and they've got paper copies of their site scattered all around our Walmart even.
Once again, Here HERE Mz Givings. You just got an at'aboy from you know who. You're not a BOY (I hope) and even if you are, your site can deal with it, make it funny even.
Note: Mr Helium get's bored with this place after a tad, me too for that matter so I don't see him revealing too much more. Not to worry, Google's recorded all this as will
the internet wayback machine.
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1/3/2008, 6:27 pm
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Helium gas
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Re: Helium unearthed
Given that I have a bad memory when it comes to unpleasant things or who wrote what under which name, what else is there to reveal?
I can tell you that I write under many names. Several months ago I had three different personalities on Spoof's Top Writers List (at the same time.) My stuff also appears on quite a few other places around the web. I will volunteer that I am NOT Marvin. He's just plain annoying and stooooopid.
And, contrary to all rumors, Morgan Truce does not live here, although I usually know where she is at any given time.
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1/3/2008, 10:46 pm
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Jalapenoman
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Re: Helium unearthed
Helium,
Since you are now forthcoming with some history and explanations, can you please explain some of your responses in the letter below?
I still wonder why I was not allowed onto the writers forum and was never given veteran writer status by you (when everyone else seemed to have it).
Your final paragraph, where you said that writers who made it to number one started making demands, really ticked me off. I was simply trying to get questions clarified and answered. Your response, and having no explanation as to why the stars and points were taken away, all caused me to basically quit writing and leave the site for almost a year.
You responded to me in late November of 2005, and I only posted four stories after that.
(Yes, Produce, my name and e-mail address are listed in the letter...and I still suspect you to be Marvin).
alanhatch@comcast.net wrote:
A couple of questions. I have asked one of these several times but have never gotten a response:
1. I have now posted almost 100 stories and articles on your site and am still not permitted to write in the discussion forum. Why not?
I am not at liberty to discuss this with you... to do so would make the site less secure.
2. I received a letter from you when I used a fully clothed picture of Paris Hilton from your picture archives. You stated that I needed to tone it down on the pictures and use more judgement. You then digitally changed the picture to show less flsh and curves. For over a week, there has been an article posted about Adam and Eve are Irish. Both folks are totally nude in this one. I feel that there is a double standard being used here.
I call each situation as I see it. I try to be fair, but obviously not everyone sees it that way.
3. Some time in September, I posted a story on how a new translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls refuted many of the claims of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code. That story is now gone. I never received any word on why it was deleted. This may have just been a glitch. I would like to re-enter and re-post the story. Any problems with that?
I deleted that by mistake... I move a lot of stories around----and the delete button is right next to the one I intended to hit. I did not notice who the author was and had no way of notifying anyone. I was kind of hoping someone would ask about it. Go ahead and re-enter it as a new story and I'll take a look again.
-----------------------------------
In general, whenever a writer finally makes it to the "#1 Writer position, he immediately starts making demands, threats, and whining about all sorts of things. I truly hope you're not going there!
Thanks,
Alan Hatch
"Jalapenoman"
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1/4/2008, 8:23 pm
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produce
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Re: Helium unearthed
quote:
Jalapenoman wrote:
Helium,
Since you are now forthcoming with some history and explanations, can you please explain some of your responses in the letter below?
I still wonder why I was not allowed onto the writers forum and was never given veteran writer status by you (when everyone else seemed to have it).
Your final paragraph, where you said that writers who made it to number one started making demands, really ticked me off. I was simply trying to get questions clarified and answered. Your response, and having no explanation as to why the stars and points were taken away, all caused me to basically quit writing and leave the site for almost a year.
You responded to me in late November of 2005, and I only posted four stories after that.
(Yes, Produce, my name and e-mail address are listed in the letter...and I still suspect you to be Marvin).
alanhatch@comcast.net wrote:
A couple of questions. I have asked one of these several times but have never gotten a response:
1. I have now posted almost 100 stories and articles on your site and am still not permitted to write in the discussion forum. Why not?
I am not at liberty to discuss this with you... to do so would make the site less secure.
2. I received a letter from you when I used a fully clothed picture of Paris Hilton from your picture archives. You stated that I needed to tone it down on the pictures and use more judgement. You then digitally changed the picture to show less flsh and curves. For over a week, there has been an article posted about Adam and Eve are Irish. Both folks are totally nude in this one. I feel that there is a double standard being used here.
I call each situation as I see it. I try to be fair, but obviously not everyone sees it that way.
3. Some time in September, I posted a story on how a new translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls refuted many of the claims of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code. That story is now gone. I never received any word on why it was deleted. This may have just been a glitch. I would like to re-enter and re-post the story. Any problems with that?
I deleted that by mistake... I move a lot of stories around----and the delete button is right next to the one I intended to hit. I did not notice who the author was and had no way of notifying anyone. I was kind of hoping someone would ask about it. Go ahead and re-enter it as a new story and I'll take a look again.
-----------------------------------
In general, whenever a writer finally makes it to the "#1 Writer position, he immediately starts making demands, threats, and whining about all sorts of things. I truly hope you're not going there!
Thanks,
Alan Hatch
"Jalapenoman"
Jman, glad you arrived and FIRST.. calm
down. Take 2 even THREE deep breaths.
Helium got fired before them rovers landed on mars. You're dealing with Mark and Paul now regarding all the-SPOOF issues.
To the best of my filtering abilities (ie I didn't know you then I know you now) you ARE speaking with the real Helium but since you're such a new writer I had no idea that he was the editor when you first signed up.
Take my "this is the REAL helium" you're talking to with a grain but even I'm about 92% convinced but if you read our OLDe threads .. our folks here fooled even me back then pretending to be either Jack or Helium.
I say .. you're conversing with Helium. What transpired between you and him is YOUR story.
I thought you arrived long after the Lowtons took control again. You're on the mike with the real Helium Jman. And trust me, it may be months if ever before he comes here again if he decides to go. Helium's just as must a mystery to me as to you folks only I for some reason know him a tad bit more and .. there's a real human behind all that. He's right about writers being banned then coming here to as he says "RAG" on him.
not right. Online with persona's and smilies and avatars who knows what's real. I'm in a real conversation with this person claiming to be Helium (which I think he is) like I'm in a real conversation with you, Jman.
Who knows, you may not even BE a jalepeno pepper in real life. If I was Marvin I'd know what's going on in the writers's forum if that still exists. I've no idea idea what happened there after Mark (or is it Paul) banned the president of the united states of america et al. thx for showing up Jman. Out of character I have to say .. this person, who calls himself Helium WILL NOT STAY much longer. He was a media draw in his day, now with Mark and Paul in charge of the Spoof he's not. That doesn't mean he wasn't right in taking all that flack from wannaBE writers back then Lord help me I've turned into Hannity and Colms .. I'm Hannity I'm Colms .. seeing both sides.
This is reality Jman. I came here to get a response from you and all of a sudden Helium
(the REAL Helium as best as I can judge) shows up so we got a 3 way (not counting the 12,000 lurkers).
Last edited by produce, 1/4/2008, 10:39 pm
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1/4/2008, 10:03 pm
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Helium gas
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Re: Helium unearthed
As previously stated:
I have (selectively) bad memory and I left all my handwritten notes in the 2nd drawer of the filing cabinet at the old Spoof offices. Perhaps you and Marvin could organize a little Watergate-style burglary some evening and grab all those old files. I'd really like to get my hands on my Black Book again. I was only able carry off just so much with the Lowton Bros breathing down my neck, and I really wanted that umbrella stand.
"Veteran Status" had absolutely nothing to do with writer quality or longevity (and apparently even less to do with site security.)
Trying to run the Spoof under Jack was kind of like driving a Greyhound bus that had it's engine hood welded shut. You could see all that blue smoke in the rear view mirror and knew the oil needed to be checked, but you couldn't get underneath the hood. Some passengers were randomly tossed off the bus; others never saw their luggage again. The driver had to keep one eye on the oil gauge and the other eye on the road. His only way of dealing with the growing mutiny among the remaining passengers was to point to an old, faded sign: "Please don't talk with the driver!"
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1/4/2008, 10:21 pm
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