Nalaniangel24
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Trust
Trust
by Nalaniangel
rated G
Summary: Jesse's having problems.
Maybe Lexa is right.
Maybe I am too trusting.
I mean, I went undercover to expose ZDT and i ended up sleeping with my ex-fiance, while Lexa told me all the reasons I wa crazy. I had her in one ear and Alicia in the other, whispering words that I tried not to trust.
Lexa and I got into a fight over it, my quick-trusting tendancies. I wanted so much to prove her wrong, yet when the time came to ask Alicia, I couldn't accept that she was telling me the truth.
Maybe I'm changing. I'm always changing, of course, in my DNA, but I mean changing in the way I think. People should be trusted. I have to believe that there is good in people and in the world. Because, if there isn't, then what am I fighting for?
But even though I say those words and cling to the hope that I put my life on the line for a reason, I have to force myself to believe them. Ruthless GS agents, Adam's betrayal, Emma's senseless death, I've seen too much bad to believe that everything is still good.
I could trust everyone, all the time. Then I wouldn't hurt all the time. I would end up like Emma. Or I could never trust and live life isolated, never letting anyone in, never caring, never having friends. Never having love. I would end up like Lexa. I could try to ride the line, accepting people in, but letting them gain my trust.
I don't know what to do. I trusted Lexa right away. That was right even though I shouldn't have. I trusted Adam right away. That was wrong, even though I shoud have. Obviously, something isn't working here.
"Jesse? Hey Jess... you okay in there?"
I look up from the floor of the library, where I have been blankly staring as I contemplated. Shalimar is standing at the door.
"I'm fine," I tell her. "Or I will be."
Like an invitation to come in, Shal enters and walks towards me. While she walks, I wonder if one day she'll walk out of my life. My oldest friend. I can trust her right?
"Do you trust me?" I ask.
She looks surprised, then a soft smile breaks. "Of course I do, Jess," she says, then gets on my lap kisses the top of my head and wraps her arms around my neck. She's acting like a little girl towards her father. "You trust me, right?"
"Do you even have to ask?" I say, dodging it.
"I don't know," she says, looking at me strangely. "Do I? Jesse, what's going on?"
I don't quite know how to say it, so I just tell her everything. "Lexa told me I was too trusting," I begin. "And I thought she was wrong because I never thought of trust as a bad thing. But now that I've been thinking- trust gets people hurt in the end. I don't know what to do."
"Yeah, sometimes in sucks, but then think of the alternative."
Suddenly, I find myself crying. "It's a loose loose situation."
"No, it's not. Because when you trust you gain friends. Like me," she argued. She kissed the top of my head again and hugged me tightly. "Isn't it worth it?"
I smile. Maybe it is. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't trusted Adam. And even though he betrayed me- us- in the end, he brought me to Shalimar, Brennan, Emma, and even Lexa.
Without hesitation, I grab her hand and she gets off of my lap. "Just don't leave me," I tell her.
"Never," she promises.
And hand in hand we go back to Sanctuary.
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